Ariel Vegosen on the Sacred and the Sexy

Pleasure to Meet You, Ariel!

O.School
O.School
Jul 28, 2017 · 9 min read

Opportunities for safe, nonjudgmental sex and pleasure education are far and few between, even in 2017. O.school wants to fix that. We have a team of more than 30 experienced Pleasure Professionals for whom we seek to be an amplification platform. Our Pleasure to Meet You column introduces the brilliant folks you can engage with and learn from at O.school.

“How does oppression feel in your body? Embody that. Enact it.”

In an “underground” location in the San Francisco Bay Area, twelve individuals are gathered to learn from professional sex and pleasure educator Ariel Vegosen. We are here to explore the concept of shifting our “relationship rhythms” — the daily habits and dynamics that constitute our relationships.

The twelve disciples create a circle beneath a sky blue dome ceiling, which is fantastically decorated with pastel and gold-detailed cherub facades. Big windows and plush sofas line the cozy yet spacious room.

Ariel has guided our eyes closed; he directs us to “feel whatever it is that hinders you in your relationship — be that your relationship with your boss, with your parents, with your lover or life partner . . . Let your body form to those feelings.”

My body begins to clench: I wield fists, I crumble, crouch, my body collapses painfully into itself. When we are allowed to open our eyes, my workshop-mates and I smile shyly at one another. Most of us have had similar reactions to Ariel’s instruction.

Together, we are twisted, lurching and in states of apparent pain.

Ariel’s instruction to “enact” and “embody” the oppressions we face in our relationships reflects their work style, as well as the way she chooses to purport herself. Ariel identifies as gender non-conforming; he uses any pronoun, and in fact requests that we indulge in using various pronouns, for the exercise of doing so. Slight, energetic and enthusiastic, Ariel leaves a sprinkling of golden glitter in their wake.

O.school Pleasure Pro Ariel Vegosen photographed by Nicole Gottwald.

Among her long list of professional achievements and qualifications, Ariel is a sex and relationship coach and educator, an ordained Hebrew Priestess, a performance artist and a founding member of the Sexual Liberation Collective. In 2009 Ariel founded Gender Blender, a safe community space for “all genders always,” and in 2016 they founded Gender Illumination, which focuses on education and policy reform as methods of safe space creation for trans and gender-nonconforming people. When not working, you can find him on the dance floor. Ariel grew up in New York and now lives in Berkeley, California.

This interview has been condensed and lightly edited.

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Maya: You have had a hand in creating and organizing multiple communities and organizations dedicated to safe spaces and sex education for people of all genders — trans, gender non-conforming, genderqueer, cis. Tell me about some of that work.

Ariel: I’m the founder of an org called Gender Illumination which strives to create safer spaces for trans and genderqueer people. We teach gender inclusivity trainings to corporations, non-profits, places of faith, health care providers, and we also do consulting to make sure that they’re running fully inclusive environments that are safe for people who are trans and GNC.

We also do a mentorship program that is both intergenerational and peer-to-peer. So — for all you readers out there — if you are a member of the trans or GNC community and you’re seeking out mentorship or you want to be a mentor, please check out our website! It’s a nice way for people to have community as they’re coming out.

Maya: How can allies get involved?

Ariel: A big part of what we do are gender-inclusivity trainings. If you’re not genderqueer or trans and you want to get involved, one of the biggest things you can do is recommend us to someone who needs our training.

Ariel Vegosen photographed by Nicole Gottwald.

Maya: Tell me about sacred sexuality.

Ariel: Sacred sexuality encourages the understanding that all sexuality is sacred, no matter what you’re doing—loving your body, being connected to your body, having sex, even having a one night stand! Because your body is sacred!

A simple and beautiful way to engage in sacred sexuality involves building an altar that is connected to your sexual experience. Sacred sexuality uses sex as a way to create magic in the world.

Maya: Building an altar would be a ritual, right? I know that rituals — and sacred sexuality, of course — play an important role in your work as a Hebrew Priestess.

Ariel: I’m an ordained Hebrew Priestess in the Kohenet tradition. The tradition is rooted in 3,000 years of history going back to a pre-rabbinical time when women were priestesses. One thing I love about being Kohenet, and doing the work that I do around gender is that Kohenet has been a safe space for trans and genderqueer people and women. It is very much highlighting the divine feminine. It calls back to ancient culture from 3,000 years ago that got trampled upon by patriarchy.

And you’re right, priestessing is about ritual — ritual for a new job or for a divorce or for trying something new in the bedroom. This work for me exists not just in the Jewish community. I’ve managed to apply those skills to the secular world, as well. For example, Gender Illumination offers unique rituals in addition to doing education and policy reform. It could be a young person who is just coming of age and who wants a coming-of-age ritual that matches their gender identity. It could be a name change. It could also be any ritual that people already do in society but you want it to be with your true gender identity and you want an organization that fully understands that.

“All sexuality is sacred, no matter what you’re doing — loving your body, being connected to your body, having sex, even having a one night stand! Because your body is sacred!”

Maya: Speaking of rituals for gender identity, I know that you offer workshops and coaching sessions to families and individuals around the idea of “expansive gender.” Can you tell me about this work?

Ariel: Gender is a socially constructed experience, and those constructions are always shifting. For example, I work with an after school youth program once a week and, as part of that, I’ve really seen that the generation coming up has new language and a new way of understanding their gender.

I work to create spaces where whether you’re cis or trans or genderqueer, you get the opportunity to explore the expansion of gender so that you’re not just stuck in one box. I encourage people to ask themselves: What are things that I might not have been given the space to explore because of strict gender roles?

There’s no right way to be a man or a woman. There are many ways to be all of the genders and there’s a lot in-between.

Listen to Ariel’s interview with podcast series “This Damn World”, here!

Maya: How do you encourage your clients to explore their gender?

Ariel: I use tools of theater, art, dance, movement and meditation in my workshops and coaching. My work helps people explore how their body moves. How their brains think. They can explore gender expression — which is different from gender identity. People can also explore their own internalized view of themselves.

Maya: At O.school you plan to teach about “poly excellence” — which is a term you’ve coined! How do you define poly excellence?

Ariel: Poly excellence means engaging in relationships with a high level of intention, integrity, quality, and greatness. A poly excellent person brings their skills into all dynamics, from long-term, committed relationships to hot one-night stands. It requires being fully honesty about one’s desires and needs and being able to listen to others’ desires and needs and respond honestly to what is possible.

The workshops I teach around poly are actually really great for monogamous people, also!

Maya: How are the concepts transferrable from poly relationships to monogamous ones?

Ariel: The rhythm of a relationship always involves giving and receiving — and I do mean both in the bedroom and in your communication style. Part of what I’m teaching people is how do you state your needs, how do you state your desire? How do you really listen to your partner’s desires and needs and how do you match the others person’s needs and desires and also not lose track of your own? How do you create a rhythm in relationship that works for you? This translates to everything. This translates to interactions with your boss, with the people you supervise, with your parents, with your lover.

So, when I say I’m teaching poly excellence, I’m really teaching relationship excellence!

Maya: Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are relationship styles that don’t have a lot of models, or blueprints. What has served as your guide in this journey?

Ariel: Right, growing up, poly wasn’t a part of the mainstream culture. But, I did witness non-obvious models of polyamory that were rooted not in sex but in creating chosen family and strong community ties and the ability to love more than one person. For example, while my parents gave me the obvious model of a healthy monogamous relationship, they also gave me a less obvious model of having many best friends. So somewhere in my consciousness even at an early age was the concept that love is bigger than labels and that more than one person can fill a title role.

“What are things that I might not have been given the space to explore because of strict gender roles? . . . There’s no right way to be a man or a woman. There are many ways to be all of the genders and there’s a lot in-between.”

Now in my thirties, I’ve become well-versed in poly through taking workshops, reading books and articles, and my own lived experience. I also have community that I can look to for support.

That said, If you met me ten years ago I was not poly excellent. Ten years ago I was still trying to understand what poly is and making tons of mistakes. These days I am confident in who I am and I do strive to live out a narrative that is past shame. Which is awesome — but it took me a lot of hard work to get here. It’s a lifetime work and I’m not finished!

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Over the course of Ariel’s “Changing Your Relationship Rhythms” workshop, I work with a partner to examine the rhythms in our personal relationships that are less than ideal. We practice asking for what we need and desire to improve those rhythm. Then, I practice actively listening to my partner’s needs and desires. I am excited to find that many of our needs and desires overlap — things like consistent STI-testing and safer sex practices. It is an affirmation and a relief to learn that I am neither alone nor unusual.

And then the group stands, again with closed eyelids.

“Do you want to change your relationship rhythms?” Ariel asks us, his voice gentle. “Are you committed to it?”

We are instructed to feel out the walls or barriers that stand in the way of our commitment to improving our relationships.

“Break down those walls! Break down those obstacles!” Ariel cheers.

And we do. We kick and jab and claw and power saw our way through the invisible cages that previously held us back.

At O.school, you can find Ariel teaching about poly (relationship) excellence and overcoming body shame. Send them an email at ariel@genderillumination.com, check her out on Twitter, and follow his work at the Sexual Liberation Collective and at Gender Illumination.

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O.school is a shame-free platform for pleasure education. Our mission is to help billions of people unlearn shame, heal from sexual trauma, develop skill sets to communicate what they want and don’t want, discover new sexual desires in a LGBTQ-friendly and judgment-free space, and most of all — own their desires.

To learn more and get notified about our launch, sign up for our waitlist, visitwww.o.school and follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

Interested in bringing O.school to your college or university? We do workshops and speaking events on topics from pleasure to consent. Get in touch with colleges@o.school for more information.

If you are a sex educator, activist, performer, or coach, please email us at hello@o.school or apply to be an instructor here.

Maya Peers Nitzberg is a content writer and community support team member at O.school. Dislikes: trolls, false equivalences (💩). Likes: emojis, enthusiastic consent, constructive criticism. 🍆🍒🍑.

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