I hate fantasy football
The Colts went for it on fourth-down this week; I would have kicked the field goal. Maybe that’s why Adam Vinatieri is still an NFL kicker, but he also now finds himself on the waiver wire of most fantasy football leagues.
“Anything else we can get you?” asked our tattooed waitress for the third time as the clock crept near two minutes. I had little regard for the invisible people waiting in the Applebee’s lobby at 10 p.m. on a Monday. A game was on.
The Indianapolis Colts and Tennessee Titans were in the waning minutes of their Week 6 battle. Indianapolis was down by a touchdown and faced a fourth-and-one opportunity on the Tennessee 14-yardline. I could care less.
The game was online, where my fantasy team was trailing by two points thanks to Vinatieri and the Colts three field goal performance. One more boot from the veteran kicker would salvage an otherwise forgettable week of football.
But you know how it goes.
Jacoby Brissett botched a quarterback bootleg and left me wondering on the wobbly barstool. Why do I play this damn game? Another season is over early for ‘Dirty Landry’, and here is why I hate fantasy football.
You draft the best available player…who the hell is that?
We all start the season like the mother of a newborn — overprotective and proud of our beautiful creation. But draft day blunders are unavoidable. Six games into the 2017 season and the fantasy world has already flipped. Forget about surefire starters, preseason projections and ‘expert’ analysis; there is no avoiding the woes of draft day.
The Pittsburgh Steelers (4–2) predictably sit atop the AFC North, but Roethlisberger-led fantasy teams have been less lucky this season. Big Ben has dropped to 22nd in points among quarterbacks and is one of many fantasy failures thus far. Amari Cooper was selected in the second round on average, according to FantasyPros.com. He sits at only 17 fantasy points through Week 6. Odell Beckham Jr. and David Johnson were subject to early-season injuries. Desean Jackson and Sammy Watkins must miss the cold weather. Dez has disappeared. Then there is Ezekiel Elliot, who was issued a 6-game suspension over summer. His sophomore season still floats in purgatory between Commissioner Roger Goodell and an absurd NFL appeals process.
They looked damn good in September though.
You play to win both games.
Conflicts of interest could be the most painful part of this damned game. Most fantasy players are inherent NFL nuts, and often have a favorite franchise. Some owners avoid their team’s players on draft day. Others marry the squad’s together — in love with a certain superstar or for the convenience of choosing a television channel. It is a serious struggle for football fans to determine where their loyalty lies on Sunday.
The prospect of selecting a Pittsburgh Steeler was always too risky for me. It would put the fate of my fantasy season and hometown team in the same hands, often winning together and likely losing together. Rational, right? Not for a few matchups of the fantasy season, in which I would be forced to root against the likes of Big Ben, AB, LeVeon Bell and Martavias Bryant. And if a player on my roster is set to play Pittsburgh, who the hell am I supposed to root for then?
So, I switched up the strategy and dared to draft one of the Steelers best players: Antonio Brown. As projected, the perennial pass catcher currently ranks number-one among fantasy wide receivers, and Pittsburgh is in position to secure another division championship. Brown’s breakdown that followed the team’s Week 3 win in Baltimore would usually have me bouncing off the walls. We won Antonio, be happy. Yet I can no longer celebrate a simple Steelers victory, their number-one wideout has to get his touches.
Alvin Kamara
This one may not be so widespread, but there is no way that ‘Dirty Landry’ was the only fantasy squad ravaged by the rookie running back. Kamara went off for 25 points against me in Week 4 — three times more than his per game average this season. Even worse, I was matched up against my packrat of a roommate that was regrettably invited to the league. Perfect timing Alvin.
