Narcissists Don’t Believe In the Use of Absolutes or Binary Thinking, BUT It’s What They Do REGULARLY
(Photo by Mick Clawson)
The use of absolutes is a definite red flag. You “never” do anything for them. You “always” get jealous or “never” cared. If a situation has negative connotations, it’s ALWAYS you to blame and not them. You start the fights. You yell. They try, but you don’t. You respond badly to EVERYTHING. They are the victims of your very bad behavior and selfishness. You are BAD and ALL BAD.
NOTE: The narc might say they view your “body of work” and not each “negative” incident or gesture individually. That is how they would like to see themselves. Often what they say they do is as good as their doing it in their minds. This is the basis of their TRUE versus FALSE identities. The narc, however, often automatically assumes you are in the wrong regardless of what they are told or see and that there is NOTHING redeemable about you. This is in opposition to saying they view your behavior on a “case by case” basis. It’s yet another FALSEHOOD.
If you are the scapegoat then expect that NOTHING you say or do will be considered especially since it probably doesn’t support the narrative that you are dumb, vindictive, selfish and the like. The use of absolutes solidifies the position of the scapegoat as being LESS THAN. The narc is of course BETTER THAN you in EVERY WAY.
There is no gray area or variance in regards to your worth (or the worth of the narc). You cause their bad behavior if and when it’s acknowledged. You have FULL control and your mission is to destroy EVERYTHING. If something positive happens, however, it’s because the narc was responsible for it and it was against the odds that it was allowed to exist as you destroy ALL THINGS GOOD. In the case of a spouse or partner/scapegoat, you are the WORST and the cause of RUINING EVERYTHING and yet they continue to come home to you, vacation with you, leave the care of the children and home to you, etc. Yes, it’s meant to confuse people and the rest of your family and circle. You act as the excuse and alibis without your knowledge or agreement. It’s also meant to warn EVERYONE that they too can be on the narc’s shitlist very easily and even without having done a thing to get there.
The use of absolutes in itself shows a propensity towards the binary nature of their thinking. You are either GOOD or BAD. Do you have value to them or not? *Are you and the narc TOGETHER or BROKEN UP? Are you a CHEATER? Or not? A WHORE? Or not? By and large, the primary valuation, complete with absolutes and binary thinking, has to do with whether people are worth anything to the narc or not and if they are GOOD or BAD from a moral standpoint. You know that the narc is perpetually insulted and sitting in judgement of who you are and if who you are is of value or not. Additionally, you know that their valuation of you can and will change depending on how the narc feels about you and further how they evaluate you and, most importantly, if they need anything from you (and when).
*being together or broken up is a binary concept that is important to the narc but isn’t necessarily advertised by them to certain people including you until or if the distinction needs to be made. That is because if they cheat, they want to be able to control the relationship’s status. They will say “we weren’t together” in order to cover their indiscretions as allowable. Did they tell you that you were broken up at the time? No. It’s just another example of the moveable goalpost. In hindsight, all details are subject to correction depending on the narrative and the need to validate their actions or words.
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