Hey — this post’s smaller than the last one :) (hopefully!)
Hey, I don’t know if you are still single (fingers crossed :)). But, if you could read this — it would be really great. You might even get an occasional laugh out of the entire thing :)
I can understand the concerns you might have — so just thought I will try and address those at the start. I remember you still had concerns in our last conversation — my hope then was that I could clarify those to you completely after my therapy — or whenever you wanted to.
I didn’t realize it then, but most of that earlier blogpost was me whining about my OCD (boo hoo :)). So in that, I could not cover much detail about how the specific behavior itself was OCD-induced. I would have wanted to further clarify those aspects — but then I couldn’t find you on WhatsApp a few days/ weeks after our conversation. So, I wasn’t sure if you wanted to hear back from me again.
So here goes — The problem with OCD is that the person doesn’t know to differentiate between their real thoughts and obsessions — which is what leads to compulsive handwashing or obsessing about a topic, or stuff like that. But once the trigger moves away, it’s like clouds moving away and suddenly things are clearer again. This is exactly how with some help from my therapist, I figured out almost instantly that my behavior was OCD-induced. Immediately once the relationship trigger moved away, the anxiety moved away and I was able to see how irrational the behavior really was.
OCD typically picks on specific themes — whether it be relationship-related or cleanliness-related or related to checking and rechecking stuff. In my case, these were all relationship related — dealing with various aspects of relationships — and which showed up whenever there was an area I could be potentially uncomfortable about (including the major eye contact one which had persisted for over 12 years). If you would like to see it, there’s this clip from the ‘Aviator’ (Leo DiCaprio) which shows how otherwise normal people indulge in irrational behavior when under the influence of untreated OCD (Yeah, I have learnt to make this more interesting with occasional videos. The last post was just boring text! :D)—
I have been fortunate that my condition was almost always manageable — and that thankfully, it was never as bad as in the clip above. The therapy took a very interesting stance to countering this in the long run, and so far it seems to be sustaining well. Meanwhile the therapy uncovered bits which I hadn’t thought of and which gave further proof that my behavior was definitely OCD-induced.
One major point which came up during therapy is if it is actually a core belief, or a real concern — an individual’s stance or perspective on it doesn’t change easily — and pretty much never changes overnight…. In my case, it actually changed overnight, or rather — during the course of that initial discussion with the therapist itself.
Think of it this way — if I hate Donald Trump, I won’t wake up one fine day and decide that I suddenly like Trump. Nope, it would take ages for my brain to decay / degrade and get to a point where I think Trump is talking sense :). Or for that matter, a person who thinks that partying and drinking is bad wouldn’t be able to suddenly change the stance to pro-partying and drinking. I wish I had even better examples, but that’s all I could think of right now. In the case of real concerns — a person can’t just flip their stance on a topic overnight, unless it was something which didn’t matter anyway — something like OCD-induced concerns, for instance.
My point is it’s almost impossible to see an actual change in stance overnight, unless it is induced by an external trigger like the one OCD induces. In my case, what happened is exactly like an overnight flip of stance — which is why within a day of that dumb conversation, I was able to indicate to you that it is an OCD symptom. With OCD, it is a specific trigger which causes a ridiculous response. You remove the trigger, the response / anxiety goes away.
As he probed through my attempts to ask out girls before, my therapist discovered that earlier I had asked out girls who had been in serious relationships before, without any anxiety around this area. At that time, the anxiety was only about whether they would say yes or how they would react — and no other topic ever came up as an anxiety / obsession. There were also other areas which he probed on — which were to evaluate if I had any other views which were representative of a conservative person, who normally harbors those views. Most people from our generation who think that way are generally people with a different worldview — conservative — and whose behavior is generally vastly different. I didn’t have any of those views. So that when coupled with the fact that I shared my worldview with liberal friends meant that this behavior/ instance stood out like a sore thumb. This was another indication during therapy that the behavior then was OCD-induced
In fact, people for whom these things actually matter just leave and never look back.
There was a bunch of other stuff which came out during the therapy sessions, but these were the main ones indicating how the specific topic (or ‘content’ as they called it in therapy) was never a concern — it was just the fact that I was dealing with relationship OCD. So, all of those specific topics which affected me earlier were merely random stuff which got me uncomfortable — just like the eye contact issue which persisted for a long time, was irrational and completely random.
Just in case you want to know more about relationship OCD, you can take a look at this — https://www.intrusivethoughts.org/ocd-symptoms/rocd-relationship-ocd/
Now — when I look back at a lot of my OCD-induced behavior, I find it funny though it’s also kind of bitter-sweet because of the toll it had taken in various areas of my life — even areas where it wasn’t readily apparent. And the effective therapy which I got is an area for which I have you to be thankful for. If it wasn’t for that incident — unfortunate as it was, I wouldn’t have the right motive and determination to tackle this disorder once and for all!
By the way — I wasn’t kidding when I said I really liked you. I really do — even though I only knew you for a few short weeks. I feel you were the kind of person I would have wanted to ask out and be in a committed relationship with, irrespective of when or where I met you. Which is why even though I am not sure how you will react to it, I am still sending you this blog — as a last ditch attempt to see if I can fix things.
I am aware that I will have to invest time in rebuilding trust or even start from scratch — but somehow, to me — it seems worth it.
I am in a happy place in life — so this is not me reaching out to fill a void, or because my parents keep insisting about marriage (I have no intention of settling down merely for the sake of it) And just to clarify — I am not reaching out to you as a fallback option — I am reaching out to you, because I felt then as I do now that I would actually like to be with you. I would genuinely like to give it my best and see if we can make it work. On my part, I feel optimistic — but then it only matters if you want to give it a try.
No matter what decision you take — I wish you the very best in life. You mean a lot to me — more than you will probably ever know. Adding to which is the gratitude which I feel for you as being the catalyst who finally led me to effective therapy
I am aware it might take time for some of these things to sink in… but if you feel a relationship with me (flaws and all) is worth a shot, please do reach out.
I am under no illusions that the relationship will be perfect — there will be ups and downs, for sure. But, maybe with you — the ups and downs might just be a tad bit more manageable, and I am willing to put in the effort needed for that.
In case you want to start chatting and see, I am comfortable with you taking as much time as you need before you decide whether to go further — and before even involving anyone else from either side. Feel free to probe or go into as much detail as you want or if you want to figure out how well the nutcase tendencies have been removed :)
I empathize with the pains which you have faced — one of my prime regrets was that when you had opened up earlier — I should have empathized and been there for you. Instead, I was busy flipping out and running helter skelter in panic. My reactions in the OCD-induced phase then almost seem like one of those dumb cartoon characters jumping around, now when I think about it.
On the other hand, there could be a range of other reasons why you might be concerned. If you don’t like my face (understandable — I am not a huge fan of it myself :P), or you are still not sure that my behavior then was OCD-induced (happy to clarify wherever needed), or you feel we might not gel well (which in my opinion is unlikely to be the case), then I can try my best to address any concerns you might have. Except for the face — that stays as is! :P
Again, there is no compulsion to reply. That is completely up to you. The best thing — there is no pressure whatsoever. And the only direction this entire thing can go is up or remain as is.
I will respect your decision — no matter what it is. If it doesn’t work out, I might feel a tad bit down — but then I will probably convert this into a Chetan Bhagat style novel but with a positive twist at the end :D
By the way, did I ever mention you have an amazing smile? :)