When You’re Sick and Tired of Feeling Feelings…
I’ve been IN my feelings recently, in my mind and alone with my thoughts which many alcoholics will freely admit is a bad idea. Lately though, the thoughts seem to reach the same conclusion, “Wouldn’t it be nice to escape for just a little? You’re not really an alcoholic, this has been a good run, just have another drink already. Maybe this time you’ll drink in moderation?” It’s a question because I can’t really be sure that i’ll actually drink in moderation but the risk isn’t worth the temptation. Or is it?
This is an email I sent someone the week, technically eight days, before I got sober. I was not in a good place.
November 27, 2012, 12:40 AM
I thought about emailing so many people but I couldn’t really think of anyone I trusted enough to say this to without it becoming some sort of production or email meme.
First of all, it took a lot for me to write this email instead of posting stupid things on the bloody internet. That said, I know you’re a busy guy and this might not be in your wheelhouse so, maybe, just bear with me, I think I need to talk (type) this out.
Lately, it feels like everything is sort of slipping out of my control. I don’t know how to explain it exactly, but I think it stems from the thought that I may have an alcohol problem, possibly a drug problem but I can’t seem to get a handle on it. See, in my world, in this circle of friends that this sort of thing is commonplace among, no one cares. I tried telling someone in said circle on Saturday night, well, technically, Sunday morning that I thought this was a problem, and that it happened far to frequently for it to just become acceptable but they just shrugged it off. We’re young and having fun. Nothing wrong with that. I didn’t feel it though.
Only, I don’t think I’m having fun anymore. I see it happening, and know that it only makes my depression that much worse, but I can’t course correct. I also don’t have the first clue about how to even go or try about fixing it. All my therapist seems to tell me is be in a place to make better decisions and remember that all my actions have consequences. That’s not exactly helping me. Because I keep engaging the same behavior. I’m afraid to maybe go to a meeting or something like that because if I admit, and I mean, really admit I have a problem, I feel like i’ll never have any fun again. That sounds pretty weird, I guess. Pretty bad now that I just read it again but also probably means I have a thing I need to deal with.
I don’t know. I guess I joke about it enough but tonight, on the way home I got so sad thinking about my life that I just started crying on the train ride home. Sitting at home, unable to sleep it’s actually starting to worry me, maybe gnaw at me more than anything. I worry that I won’t be able to fix this. And that i’ll just continue in this way until I accidentally die or something (from some drunken or drug fueled nonsense). I’m 28. Nearly 29. I’ll be 29 in a little over a month now that I think about it. I think about how fucking bad I was last year, and I thought THAT was a bad stage in my life, and I can only seem to sit around and think about how much i’ve regressed.
Are some things good in my life? Sure. But the overwhelming majority are not. It begets this cycle I can’t seem to break. I don’t know what to do. Guess i’ll figure something out. I know i’m just really bummed about the holidays too. This is the worst time of year for me.
Thanks for being an ear/email box to listen to.
Re-reading this email helped me a lot. I went through and bolded a lot of the things which are no longer true of my life today. Doing so reminded me about where I came from and how shitty it felt to be in that space emotionally. I didn’t feel that way some of the time. I felt that way ALL OF THE TIME. Which is to say, that while I do feel a little shitty emotionally right now, it’s only a fraction of the pain I was in nearly four years ago. I also know having a drink won’t change that fact, as much as I’d like to pretend it would.