Unknown Tears

Awareness is freedom

I lay in bed until 3am awake in total confusion. I don’t know why I am feeling this way. The anxiety I feel gives me persistent discomfort. I try and shake it off but my heart pounds faster. I have the urge to cry and in that moment I cry, needing release.

Frustrated with myself, I see no tangible reason as to why I am feeling this way. I should be happy, there’s not a reason to be sad. I have everything going for me. Yet, I cannot avoid the deep sense of pain that I feel. My boyfriend hears my cry within moments, scooping me to his side of the bed he asks me “Why are you crying?”. I respond with “I don’t know” and continue to cry in his hold.

The emphasis on “perceived” happiness and presenting your life as “perfect” on social media is the first hurdle the millennials need to overcome. No pictures are taken in moments of despair when someone mid panic attack is hyperventilating through their own snot. The inability for people to feel as though they can be sad is the first thinking error we have created. Don’t talk about your emotions and people will think your fine.

My experience has led me to think quite differently. Positive in nature, I grew up with a happy go lucky attitude, which seemed to work well for me. I couldn’t comprehend what anxiety was until I was blown out the water with overwhelming fear which begun almost overnight. I had always identified with my thoughts as they were for the most part positive. When I started experiencing negative thoughts I believed that those thoughts were me. Now I know very differently.

At first I denied this was happening to me. I saw other people around me with it, but this just didn’t happen to me. The more I denied the feelings the more I feared and the worse I felt. Three months later, after days of sleepless nights. I started to accept what was happening. The more I surrendered the greater ease I felt. I started reading self help books, going on self development courses and reaching out to older friends who I knew had been through similar situations.

“You’re having a very intense awakening” were the replies. At the time I didn’t know what they meant. I always knew I had deep rooted self-limiting beliefs that at times were crippling.

“I’m not good enough”

“I can’t do anything”

“I don’t deserve it”

As I have got older, those old belief systems are now hindering my ability to thrive. I have an idea of the person I want to become but I still feel chained by my old beliefs. Now its come knocking at my door harder than ever, it has my attention. I see it as an outdated version of myself that isn’t working optimally for me anymore.

Awareness is freedom. Itai Itzvan

Once we become aware of ourselves we can start to transcend parts of ourselves. Now I am trying to “unlearn” what I have learnt so far that has limited me. I am trying to be like water flowing and moulding to my surroundings as if I’m learning again.

Fear is the only thing standing in my way.

Fear of changing from my habitual self which I have known for so long.

Only when we have self awareness can we free ourselves from the chains of our minds.

Since mentally healthy human beings must grow, depression is a healthy process. A death of the old self, a giving up process which leads to mental and spiritual growth. Only when something interferes the process will depression be prolonged.

Writing this was very cathartic for me and I hope to create a new, more positive perspective on people experiencing mental health issues.