10 Reasons My Cat is Smarter than Your Millennial, and The Age of Malcontent

Because they have rejected all contemporary modes of social thought, moral conduct and compunction that have been heretofore acceptable practice, and replaced them with their own pessimistic

“The World According to Me Guide,”

Millennials are challenged with the establishment of a hierarchy of their own impecunious values and morals, and with the impossibility of balancing their elitist brand of cynicism and narcissism with the mainstream, which they abhor.

“We’re like — breaking new ground in start-ups everywhere, but like - not (really) reaping just rewards,

Wayne, Sacramento, CA, part-time burger clerk/computer coder.

In this way can Millennials be thought of as social iconoclasts: they merely seek to mold and reshape those concepts which don’t suit their particular needs, or rather game-plan. Not so much redefining and coming to terms with their universe, but going along kicking and screaming all the way to Starbucks anytime they feel uncomfortable.

“I’m like the only awesome one in the room. Why can’t people just understand that, and we’d all get along better?”

(No, that is not meant to be the sitting president … not for nothing, he did garner 66% of their vote in his last election). Depending on how you count, there are some 80 million Millennials living in the US.

from Visual-Loop.com

This does not include some 1,100,000 incarcerated.

Well, the bad news for Millennials is that the world is already full of seasoned, old school narcissists, with whom they will have to outwhine; no easy task.

The best of these are grumpy old men and women, long in the tooth of self-preservation, and masters of the art of whining, and the worst, adult infants. But who can blame them old folks? Thus does the finger point back to the Millennials.

(“Work late? Bloody frickin ’ell I will!”)

“We’re- like, all in this together. Starting Monday.”

A-cute Purrfection

Cats seem to be over-enamored of themselves every bit as much as any preening Millennial, but this is where the similarities end. Unless you don’t like cats, you prefer to work with anyone other than a Millennial. Besides, cats are cute.

Millennials have their good qualities, but the term “cute” doesn’t jump out at me as one of them.
Art imitating life. Remind you of anybody?

Consider the above example from an important K-3 educational publication.

Simply substitute the words “Goofus is,” with the word Millennials are.”

Now, substitute the word Gallant,“ with the phrase “the rest of the world (including cats).

Say the whole thing aloud, once, and you have now concocted a simple, if a bit reductive, analogy of the difference between an average Third-grader’s work ethic and a millennial’s. The Verdict: the Third-grader runs rings around the Millennial.

No. Perhaps that’s a bit harsh. Let us make the context more relavant.

from Highlights for Children (not the captions below. Those are not meant for children.)
It was in the sixteenth-century that man’s specieism was first presumed suspect. Montaigne deemed this ‘man’s arrogance.
“I do not believe, from what I have been told about this people, that there is anything barbarous or savage about them, except that we all call barbarous anything that is contrary to our own habits.”
Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

The quote has less to do with animals, than it does with man’s overestimation of his self-importance: a Perennial Millennial challenge, if you will.

Michel Eyquem de Montaigne, French; 28 February 1533–13 September 1592)

Domestic cats have always been better at adapting to changing environments than Millennials because they have been doing it for over 10,000 years. Millennials have no desire to adapt to changes, but only to set themselves in contradistinction to others by writing their own script.

Cats were ‘domesticated thousands of years ago, around 9,500 BC, and have always been remarkable in their ability to adapt — especially to life with humans, and even better than humans do with each other. Cats had to wait about 80,000,000 years for man to become civilized: and we’re barely half-way there.

Can you decipher the secret message in the stumble-upon illustration above? No, I didn’t think so. It appears some nut lost his way on the Evolution Scale, and shared that idea with the world at large.

It would be irresponsible to publish credit to the author. He should have turned right at the Neanderthal counter. A right-wing extremist Millennial if ever there was one. I use it only for the timeline.

Felis catus or Felis silvestris catus was ahead of homo sapiens evolutionary timeline. In other words, it was primitive man who had to play catch up ball with the cat, who had already been long established.

the ascent of man. A monkey needs no ergonomic appurtenances to master a tablet.
“If man evolved from the ape, than how come so many apes are walking around?”
-Some of ‘em were given choices.”

(from the New Yorker)

Given their remarkable freedom from innuendo and chronic anxiety, it is my contention that cats are in a better position to prosper with people other than Millennials. This owing to Millennials deprecated sociability, and natural antipathy for all other creatures, that tends to alienate them. Indeed, Millennials do not make the best human pets, as cats like Millennials, are also notorious narcissicists.

“The difference is that cats flourish in their narcissism, whereas Millennials unhappily alienate and besiege themselves behind their own reflection. That is to say, cats can get away with what we would otherwise find contemptible in people.”

Cats tend to be more or less content with what life-style you afford them. They don’t whine about the size of their shared micro-aprtment, or skulk around wearing a sign that says

“Where’s my Trust Fund, Mom?”
the future, or next generation to lead us into a new fangled work-ethic.

they simply outright demand their needs, without engendering conflict over trivial matters, such as the quality of a new toy.

“Whatever cats ask for, we always seem to know what they want — and they usually get it from their pet humans.”

Indeed, Millennials are more Sphynx-like than their feline betters: you’d go broke trying to second-guess what they want. In this way are cats more effective communicators than the aloof set.

TiWi, an Egyptian Mau, or “Tea Baby,” 12m.
“I would never ask you if I can work from home, and I hate tapenade.”

Despite their well-known motivation, Millennials’ need for immediate gratification at the expense of measurable accomplishment renders them ill-fit to the mainstream, or even a rivulet. This lack of moral fiber translates into a piss-poor work ethic, and finally, will metastasize as a drag on our economy.

Their inability to adapt renders them even more invertebrate, and less likely to survive more than 24 hours of Internet silence. If the electrical grid were to go down, there would be mass Millennial Internet withdrawl suicides within hours. For the counterpart of this analogy, notice the apathy of the cats around you next time their is a brown or blackout:

“Unless you‘ve got some decent fractal videos, cats could care a rat’s arse about an imminent Internet meltdown”

(-they may be onto something there.)

“if the Internet went down, would we still have water?” Metallica and Tommie

Cats do what they have to do to get the job done without complaint, or asking to leave early Friday. The concepts of recognition and reward are superfluous to them, not exigent, as they are for the Millennial.

design by Narky Nark

Seperating the Cats from the Millennials: 10 Ways, Right off the Top

1. If my cat wants something within her grasps, she goes out and gets it, without feeling a compulsion to endlessly deliberate methodology, or consider if the task is within her job description. The object of desire is reward enough: she doesn’t sit and sulk in a corner because she feels unappreciated. I thought only mother-in-laws did that?

2. She’s a better communicator: if she doesn’t like her food, she’ll pantomime the covering of her business to let you know, instead of stewing silently about the tapenade until whining can no longer be suppressed. For the sake of simplicity, assume a Millennial is unhappy unless it can be demonstrated otherwise.

3. She can open doors by herself, instead of demanding that others endow her with opportunity, or open the door for them. She would never let the door hit her in her rump, whereas the Millennial will demand vacation time in his first week, and severance in his last.

Windows 8: really?

4. She covers her poo: millennials wear it on their sleeve.

“So, not true.”

5. There is no win or lose in her playtime. She isn’t always looking over her shoulder at what the opposition is doing, or contemptuous of having been asked to play at all.

“Millennials thrive on competition, yet it is well-nigh impossible to tell winners from losers, as no one ever seems satisfied.”
Un Thé Bébé se prélasser devant une fenêtre.
“Perhaps this Tea Baby seems a little too happy. Do you have a problem with that?”

6. If the Internet goes down, she still has all her friends and acquaintances. Under the same circumstances, the Millennial finds himself virtually alone: Facebook friends fall away like dandelion fluff.

7. She embraces the concept of meritocracy, rather than perceive it as an imposition or threat. If I throw a toy, she happily fetches, and is rewarded. Millennials want the reward before the object is (begrudgingly) won— sort of an accrual or tacit goal, that all know will ever remain unattainable. How similar to the way many start-ups assets are valued!

8. Where she is naturally loving, impassioned, trusting, and fully capable of intimate relationships, the Millennial is often too inhibited and caught up in himself to even bother wasting his time trying to form one.

In the same way is he often fated to meet resistance and conflict in his professional life: simply because his personal life is too often the elephant in the room that inhibits him from realizing his potential.


Tom is an average Millennial. He his super motivated at work, but has a penchant for doing things his own way, and not following directions. Let’s give Tom a simple idea and let him run with it:

Tom’s Brain
“all stuck up!”
“Hey Tom, how are you getting on with those calculations?”
-almost there, Tim.”

-and we all know what happens when you try to flush a stopped up toilet. We spared the harsher “what a stuck up ahole.”

Although there is no known extant photo or YouTube videos of him with a cat, Sigmund Freud said
“Time spent with cats is never wasted,”
un bébé Tea prendre une sieste l’après-midi.

9. When she stares back- aloof and stand-offish, it is not to make a statement, whereas a Millennial’s cat is truly transfixed with boredom. A Millennial’s blank stare, or pensive moment can convey no more pathos or meaning than a Jack-O’ Lantern with Botox treatments.

10. Sometimes she does silly, mindless things for no reason at all, other than play, but seldom is she unhappy with the results, whereas Millennials can be silly and mindless in their work, and couldn’t be more malcontent, win or lose.

Horemheb (Tommie) and TiWi

11. Of course this list goes up to 11. Your comments and interest are always welcome.

“If any of you cats- like dig this post, give us the ol’ Rec, eh?”

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