— so much for border control

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wanted for breaking & entering, criminal trespassing

Perish the thought that cats would find their visages lining the walls of local Post Offices, but that notion has a strong possibility of realization, given the latest exploits of protesters outside the bedroom door petitioning for the Sunrise Breakfast Buffet. The objectionable treatment of humans by their cats has caused an exponential increase in domestic abuse complaints (against the latter), ever since quarantines were established.

Thus, there’s no mystery left as to the question as to how cats would react to being isolated with their human pets or domestics, or what we erroneously call pet “owners.” The jig is up — and we now know that their true colors are violet and gold — imperialist monarchies, where humans are routinely subjugated in no uncertain terms to oppressive and ludicrous measures of feline oppression. …


The kids aren’t ‘all right’

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photo by author

He never knew there were so many kids in the neighborhood. Once the kids realized it was going to be a long time for power to come back, they slithered out of their cloistered snail shells of social media and gaming - to gather at the river front. That’s where Joe first saw them. He scowled in their general direction and spat.

The blackout had leveled the otherwise dimly lit suburban town into a hot mass of suburban sloth and inertia. Who’s hunkered down in their generator-less domiciles, anxious and hungry, cursing at their unconnected smartphones. Food and sleep they could eschew — a cell signal: never! …


Global pandemic inspires the mundane. Will anyone even notice?

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“The Plague at Ashdod,” or “The Miracle of the Ark in the Temple of Dagon,” Poussin, Nicolas (1630), Louvre, onlookers reel from the sight and stench of rotting flesh

Living through a pandemic seems like a surreal idea until you’ve lived through one. Then it’s too real. You don’t believe in it until it hits you or someone close to you. Once in a lifetime is far too frequent. Fortunately, few people suffer more than one plague in a lifetime, yet in times of resistant super-viruses, the idea is not out of mind.

The present COVID epidemic is more insidious than the Black Death or Smallpox plagues, when people reeled, wretched, and fell dead in the street, to be collected and unceremoniously heaped on to a wagon and cremated or stacked in a mass burial. In other words, COVID has less visibility, as people are quarantining, or stowed away in hospitals. …


Ineffable sounds of a heavenly instrument

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source of endless amusement, fascination, and joy

D o try this at home: when kitty is lying on her side, lift and release her tail and let it flop gently on to the floor. If her tail is like that of most kitties, you’ll be rewarded with the gentle sound of it striking the surface, which may be a wood or tile floor, or carpet. It is within the subtle and endless permutations of this sound that endless joy resides.

Be careful not to pull her tail, but rather, delicately let your hand and fingers fondle its length, from base to tip, letting it fall away of its own suppleness — like a string of pearls. If you do this correctly, she will allow you to repeat the process until you feel you’ve heard the sound enough times. Frankly, I have never achieved that satiation point — having to force myself to cease and desist before it becomes a chronic fascination, or obsession — perhaps you will practice better restraint than I. …


Do you remember your first Karen? I sure do

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The Sopranos “Garbage Truck Scene”

Karen’s are nothing new, though their recent popularity through social media, where they are routinely pilloried and shamed, is a hot-topic. Why now, is anyone’s guess.

A Karen is a more refined definition of “entitled bitch,” yet it is more to the point in referring to a specific group of people — middle aged, middle-class/wealthy mid-west McMansion queens, who have the police on speed-dial for frequent reporting of people of color doing nothing — only if because they merely exist.

There are downsides of Karenism: 1) many women are named ‘Karen’ — a name I have always liked, and still do. It’s unfortunate that their namesake was chosen as an object of mockery and derision. 2) people aren’t always fair judges of character, being too quick to label women as Karen’s or entitled. …


The girls take stock of top-rated videos and find an abundance of varmints

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In the Royal Mau Viewing Room with TiWi and Galena, for ‘The Mighty Weasel’

Cats deserve and insist on their share of media streaming time. It’s great if you can do this together with them — especially if you’re a photographer — or leave them to watch on their own. This is a grand way to provide entertainment when you are not there to provide it for them. Extended time at home sheltering in place allowed Cat Fancies’ editor to observe the girls’ attention span for various footage, and report there findings in the reviews below.*

*(note to viewing on phone: drop caps in URLs do not display)

SCatching Fish, Cat Games 00.10:01h


The Train is Running off the Rails for the Petticoat Family Vacation

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The Petticoats’ summer road-trip to Bordeaux Mouseapalooza did not exactly inaugurate without incident. Owing to Mr. Petticoat’s parsimony and frugality, the family shared a cabin with Mr. and Mrs. Chatonelle — local cats on a milk tasting vacation — who in fact were concealing bottles of red wine in their luggage, most of which was unceremoniously dumped on the floor.

The majority of fault lies with Mr. Petticoat, who — in order to save a buck — bought tickets in a shared coach, bringing the families together for an inevitable comedy of errors that began and ended in catastrophe, though nothing bowls of warm milk would not later assuage. …


Cat’s shocking apathy caught on film

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Queen Hat-shep-sut recumbent

Imagine a world of blissful ignorance of mundane things. A universe without epidemics and pandemics, nincompoop dogs, and attendant humans, where one’s priorities are focused on the Big Three — eating, playing, and cuddling, and you begin to see the simple and uncomplex world through the eyes of an Egyptian Tea Baby (felis bébé de thé).

Such is the delight of the cat who thrives in the “old chaos of the sun,” and effortlessly flourishes in the joy of being in the moment, without worry of impending doom, or the anxiety of relative truths as dispensed by incontinent human ‘leadership.

Cats don’t give a rap for mans’ misfortune, his tendency to sloth, avarice, and unrequited desires. …


In which Rusty’s coat appears rather tousled and cause a stir

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A recent ‘item’ in the Cat Society Pages was reported by Mrs. Snootpuss, chair of the Aristocat’s Social Register, that drew certain attentions to fur-coat processes at the Fabulous Felines Salon, in the posh uptown TopCat District.

Mrs. Sourpuss: There now, a little more bleach …

Miss Rustypuss: “easy with the spray, Sourpuss, there’s enough chemicals there to choke a horse.” “How does it look, Ginnie?”

Mrs. Gingerpuss: “Say, Russ — ain’t you the cat’s meow! It looks er… different (prrrrr). Will it glow in the dark?”

Mrs. Sourpuss: “I can take down the culla a little more, it might be a little…


In Which Peter’s Periodontics Inspire a Family Fracas

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Alfred Mainzer’s Cats, Copyright Max Kunzli, Zurich 6/35 (Eugen Hurtong, 1897–1973)

A recent trip for Peter to the dentist proved to be a most trying experience for Mrs. Petticoat and her litter. Let it be said that Dr. Klaw’s bedside manner left a little to be desired. Naturally, there was quite the scene when the dentist asked Peter to “pleas open”: it wasn’t clear who was making the bigger fuss — Mrs. Petticoat, Peter or his brothers and sisters.

Dr. Klaw: now Peter, let’s have a look into that muzzle, spit out the gum.

Nurse Pattypaws: I am not sticking my paw in that kid’s mouth — ow! you’re scratching me!

Mrs. Petticoat: Peter, no treats for a week!

About

the introvert

Deconstructionist geezer — debunking flaneur — Edwardian pookah — autobiographical ghost writer — Oxford comma aficionado pookah1960@gmail.com

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