Living with an Anxiety Disorder
10:00pm, November 6th, 2022:
Heart pounding, chest tightening, difficulty breathing, mind racing at 200mph. ‘This feels horrible. I feel like I am going to die’.
These are some of the things that I feel as I have a full blown panic attack. Not a very pleasant process!
In April this year I was diagnosed with GAD, General Anxiety Disorder. In short, I deal with severe levels of anxiety on a day to day basis. A visual of Hulk saying ‘I’m always angry’ comes to mind as I write this, whereas for me it’s ‘I’m always anxious’. 😊
At the time of diagnosis, I was experiencing multiple panic attacks everyday, triggered by the most trivial things (Do I like the pink top or the green top, shall I call him or not). It was a nightmare to live in my own head. I was waking up with heart palpitations everyday, couldn’t focus on work, be present in conversations, feeling constantly overstimulated, lethargic and just a sense of doom out of which I couldn’t see a way out. In short I just wanted the pain to stop; I wanted to close my eyes and not wake up. But I kept hustling until I completely burned down.
I often struggle to explain to others what it’s like to have an anxiety disorder, up until a few days I struggled to fully accept it. I guess writing it down is one way of me starting to do so.
One of the challenges I had was explaining the severity of my anxiety to my loved ones. It was often mistook for normal levels stress that a few hours of rest could sort out. I remember wishing I had physical scars to show what it feels like. Just so that it’s easier for people to understand and accept what I am going through. On the outside you look like a normal functioning human being, but in the inside your mind and body is always on fire. It makes living with ease like squeezing water from a stone. To be honest, in the past couple of years I couldn’t remember the last time I was at ease.
The constant overthinking, inability to let go of a worry (even when you know it’s irrational), feelings of loneliness and fatigue are some of the few symptoms that I still deal with on a day to day basis. Keeping my mind occupied is easier said than done.
I often wondered why this is happening to me, and where it’s coming from. In my mind I was taking the right steps: Yoga, therapy, self care, beach walks. To top it off I had a background in Psychology. So if anyone had the answers to this problem, it’s gotta be me! Boy was I wrong!
Fast forward to now, I have made and am still making changes to the way I engage with myself and the world outside which make living with my anxiety disorder alot more manageable.
And if you are wondering, ‘has she gotten over her anxiety then?’. The answer is no. Just last week I had a panic attack, and I am writing this post with a tightness in my chest. The difference between April and now is that, with the help of my therapist, I am learning to manage my thoughts and emotions better. I am learning to treat myself better, and in the process develop my own set of coping tools which makes my life a little easier. It’s still a WIP but now I do have moments of peace.
Funny thing is at the point of diagnosis, I thought I could get rid of my anxiety (despite my therapist gently telling me otherwise😄). However, over the past few months, I am coming to terms that the severity of my anxiety is just the result of unhealthy coping and thinking mechanisms that I have adopted to protect myself from events of trauma from my past. It’s years in the making of me ignoring my own needs.
At times I am still afraid of my anxiety, especially when it peaks. I absolutely hate it. But when I am able to quieten the noise in my mind and dust off the nervousness; I find a very scared and broken me who just wants to be heard, accepted and loved for who she is and who she wants to be. And weirdly, it starts with me giving myself that love and acceptance.
At least now without looking to the world and those around me, I am able to tell myself,
‘I see you Noni, and I am here for you’. ‘You don’t have to be a perfect version of yourself for me to love you’.
P:S: oh yeah and one more thing, Mental health is a very real thing :)
Notes:
- It’s important to not self diagnose an anxiety disorder. Make sure you speak to a professional.
