The Blue Apron Blues.

(Originally a Facebook post on 8/16/16)

Rarely do I get controversial on Social Media but the time has come to tell the people what they need to hear and the people need to hear this:

Fuck everything about Blue Apron.

My girlfriend and I have been wanting to cook more and since we listen to podcasts frequently of course we’ve heard about Blue Apron. Every one of their ads is a litany of “Going to the supermarket is sooooo haarrrrrd. Reading a cookbook or, fuck it, making something up completely with what you have is soooooo harrrrd.” Blue Apron on the other hand is God’s gift to man: a magical service that makes creating a home-cooked meal so easy and from fresh and sustainable ingredients. So we figured we’d try the trial.

We get this box from FedEx sent to us all the way from San Francisco. Not quite your local organic fresh farmer. And that’s just where the food is packaged and distributed from, WHO KNOWS where all the meat, vegetables and spices are originating. Your individual box of Blue Apron probably has enough collective travel miles saved up to get into whatever executive airline club it’d like (Are those cool by the way? They look cool). And again all wasted gas is spent on ONE meal for you. It’s not like a grocery store where you buy ingredients that will last you for many meals. It’s a ton of wasted energy on one meal, and maybe enough leftovers for your lunch break at your office job where you’re probably reading this.

Each ingredient is individually wrapped in enough plastic to choke a family of sea otters and is kept cold with an ice pack which is…pretty dope actually. It’s a very nice ice pack that I’ll use to ice my balls with when the Blue Aron goon squad tracks me down and swiftly kicks me between my legs.

Another thing that absolutely blows my mind about the dickishness about Blue Apron is that they have every one of these monotone NPR hosts telling you how easy it is to cook and it’ll “only take 15 minutes or less” and I’m assuming the Planet Money guys haven’t actually tried the service because there’s no way all the prep and cooking they make you do can make your meal be done under 15 minutes. They also mail you a bunch of shit and expect that you have all the cooking hardware you need to prepare everything. Luckily I cook already so I have what I needed but the typical Joe Schmo customer who doesn’t cook as it is probably doesn’t have a garlic mincer or knows how to properly remove corn from the cob without CUTTING YOUR GOD DAMN HAND OFF OH MY GOD BLUE APRON CAN YOU JUST DO THIS FOR ME!? We had to use like eight different plates and pans just for the preparation. The kitchen was a goddamn disaster.

As for the meals? This is where I think whatever young-money piece of shit at their standing desk that came up with these recipes is a goddamn genius. Their meals are utterly opinion-less. We had catfish which is a pretty tame tasting fish to begin with. A quinoa veggie stir fry which was decent but anyone with a little bit of thought could fry up their favorite veggies and mix it into a rice bowl. And a spicy pasta which, ya know, had a little kick to it but wasn’t something I’m going to be craving again and again. They have expertly designed meals that when you read them on their website they sound amazing but in actuality are pretty bland. This could sound like not a big deal to some but for all the money, energy and effort put into making this meal happen it should be a lot more memorable.

Blue Apron seems to be capitalizing on a real desire of Americans wanting to know how to make their own meals which is awesome and I’m also quite sure a lot of people are really happy with their Blue Apron experience. But I dunno man, I would like to offer up the budding Meal Prep Sunday trend as a much more economical and fun DIY alternative. If you took a few minutes out of your busy life, found a few recipes on Pinterest that spoke to you and seemed exciting and you went to your local farmer’s market or got a CSA Box, or fuck it even went to Ralphs, you could easily make enough tasty meals to last you a week. You’ll probably have a lot more fun and won’t be killing the planet with Chemtrails WHICH ARE REAL AND THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS MAN DO THE RESEARCH LOOK AT THE YOUTUBES.

And now with my trusty grappling hook and length of rope, I ascend back into my tower.