“Old friends, like old swords,” can’t be trusted anymore
I’m talking myself out of reconnecting with old friends. They are never the people I once thought I knew.
While reconnecting with old friends could be a good thing, I’m beginning to talk myself out of it. I appreciate my current most intimate friendships, but when I look back, I can’t help but smile and also appreciate those who were once there to listen to my dreams, my uncertainty, speak about my future, and how they are likely going to be a part of it – the one I’m currently living in. Largely, every one of them is foreign to me now.
An old friendship that has touched my heart the most, somehow ended this year. We’ve been in each other’s lives since 2013 and supported each other till the very breaking point. What strained our relationship was based on a value system. My friend was enjoying the benefits of patriarchy and holding on to a relationship we both assessed as toxic, which hindered his growth.
Never would I have thought that the struggle to hold on to the benefits and struggles of his romantic relationship would drift us apart. He was everything a friend could be to me. Came into my life at a point where I desperately needed sane friends passionate about growing, their lives, and living up to their potential. The majority of people around me at that time weren’t clear-headed and were irritating humans that I constantly shielded myself from. Books connected us. And years later, our creative careers continued to fuel us, bless our accounts, and we continued to be there for each other. He was my most trusted advisor for the best part, my confidant, and the very first person to walk me through what true friendship is all about. To be present, to be forgiving, to be loved, to be patient, to care, and to listen
This friendship is the only one that I can learn to trust and accept again. He’s been absent from significant moments of my life this year, but I’m somehow still assured that our willingness to make things work is not dead. A long, meaningful conversation can bring it back to life.
But there are old friends that can’t work anymore, and I’m not willing to give them a commitment. We’ve grown extremely apart in values and in beliefs for a friendship that wasn’t formed on the best of interests, knowledge, and communication. It doesn’t have that much strength to start with.
There are a series of experiences to establish how reconnection should have worked but failed. There was one who reached out to me at one of my lowest financial moments this year to lend money, ghosted me, and didn’t pick up calls after we agreed on a date and I explained my situation. There are some I see in their thoughts towards other people – mostly influenced by religion – and I know they must also want me dead. There are many whose moral values smell and reek of a lack of practical ideas and interest in having a fulfilled life. There are also the green-eyed ones who can’t comprehend my current life and career growth, and I’ve chosen to make themselves a wall that has made them oblivious to the realities of my journey.
I get comments saying they are watching me and that I’ve changed, but the beauty of life is in evolving. Change is a constant vessel to experience life, and I’m always honoured to have witnesses.
The old saying, “Old friends, like old swords, are still trusted best,” is a stance that should hold true. These are the people who knew us contextually, sometimes before the pressures of life. But it doesn’t hold true entirely for me, and I’ve made my current pocket friends a safe haven. We fight and talk things out. We communicate certain expectations and boundaries. We learn to accept each other’s worst and best because we’ve come to understand that building friendships requires intentionality. It’s beyond the superficial communications, but knowing as deep and courageously as you can. I’ve built and am still building with anyone I can confidently call my friend today.
Still, it’s okay:
- If not all of your old friendships are worth reconnecting with. Some people grow apart, and that’s perfectly normal.
- If your friendships change over time. You and your old friends may have different interests and priorities now than you did when you were younger. That doesn’t mean that your friendship is any less valuable.
- If all of your friendships don’t withstand the test of time. Focus on nurturing the relationships that are important to you and that make you feel good. There are plenty of other people out there who would love to be your friend.
For me, it’s simple. I do not want to be cordial with misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, or religious extremists. This categorization makes the worst set of people to reason life with. There’s a certain openness that living requires that’s necessary in friendships, and I do not want to participate in arguments that’s not going to move anything forward and we can both learn from. I always advise them to stay inches and kilometres away from me and Domot.
These days, whenever I get tempted to reconnect, I’m always reminded of the awkwardness that lies ahead. The memories, experiences, and dreams we’ve shared are appreciated, but I’ll continue to talk myself out of reconnecting.
This is a different space now, and not many people are welcome.
