When the heartbeat stopped

It happened two years ago to the day. I was in the main hall of the apartment. packing the last of the stuff before friends and family arrive to help move the boxes to the new apartment. It was a hot summer morning but the apartment was cold. i get the chills even today remembering that.

Then my wife came through the door. the hall was dark so when she opened the door she brought in the light.

I took me just a fraction of a second once she closed the door to understand.
She was wearing her big sunglasses but i could tell right away, she was crying. the heartbeat stopped.

I had a bad feeling about it for about a day and a half before. I remember that i knew it from reading about it, but i can’t remember where i read it. it happens to me often, i read a lot and stuff just get stuck there with no reference to were it came. you don’t even know you know it until you find your self facing one of does “facts”.

We just found out that my wife is pregnant about a month before, it was suppose to be our first. we were married then for eight months. and my wife stopped taking here peals just the month before and so we were surprised by how fast we got pregnant.

She was having her morning sickness for a while now. That morning we got up together like we did every morning back then.
She looked at me, smiled and said: “I don’t have morning sickness any more”.
That wasn’t of course the only sign. She suddenly had a lot of here energy back, helping me with the packing, she had her appetite back and looked a lot less tired, but i remember the smile and what she said next as the moment that i said to myself in the back of my mind: “We lost the baby”.

I had a vague recollection that the morning sickness are the result of the women’s body trying to cope with the foreign body that has started to grown in it, with all the new blood vessels that are needed to form around the new body. and that after the first trimester that feeling usually goes away and the two bodies learn how to live with each other. 
So seeing and hearing my wife at the morning of the almost nine week of pregnancy, brought all thous half facts to my mind and wouldn’t let go.

My biggest regret from does days was letting my wife know about all my fears. I am a big believer that open communications and trust are the bedrock of a good marriage.
But knowing what i know today, i wish that i could have given here does two more blissfully ignorant days, thinking she is still bearing a healthy leaving baby.

I should have talked to a friend instead, unburden my fears outside.
But we promised our selfs that we won’t tell anyone until we pass the first trimester. 
Instead i got to make her sad, worried and annoyed, just were you want your hormonal wife to be at our first attempt to bring a life to the world.
She was mad at me that she couldn’t rely on me to silence my inner demons and those terrifying “what if’s”.

I am not a pessimistic person by nature, but i did learn that me and my wife have a fundamental difference with coping with situations.
When i learn of a situation that might get a bad twist i usually find my self imagining it, talking about it, analyze it and eventually come to term with it. that way i think i am less shocked when the worst comes.
My wife is usually the opposite, its not that she lucks imagination, but usually you will hear here saying: “why worry about something before it happens, we will handle it when we need too”.
And when we sometimes find our selfs facing does potential futures then she will be mad or sad or worried. while i look baffled and angry at here that she only now feeling that “because i told you so”. 
Some times its when we are on vacation and some one hit our rented car while we are parked and i say “it’s going to cost us” and sometimes its “i think thats its not a good sign that you don’t have morning sickness”.

Don’t get me wrong, all that is not to say that i am a better coper then my wife in handling situation. On the contrary, she is my rock.
More then i can count she showed me how strong she is and how powerful she can be when you simply need to act.

We are now at our second attempt, week eleven. I can’t say that we are without worried, the next time we know that everything is ok is in a week, when she will be at week twelve. There was a frightening day a week and a half ago that she became hysterical because she was not having any nausea all day. by the afternoon she was tired and nausea and she — and me secretly — calmed down. I kept saying that everything is ok, and that the stress she is feeling is not good for the baby. I was worried too, but i now knew better.
we are coping with our fears. 
A close friend of my wife asked me how am i coping this time around? i told here that i am ok, i am keeping my self in a positive mindset. its sad to say, but having been through the experience once reduce the level of anxiety i feel now. i know what’s the worst possible outcome could be and i know that we will be ok even if we will have to go through it again.
It sounds like a cliché but we got stronger because of it.

This post is a sort of me coping with what happened. 
This second attempt brought back all the memories from the first time, and i felt that i need to write it down, partly for my self, partly to inform young couple like us that didn’t know how common this thing is.
When we got to talk about this with friends and family we kept hearing: “oh it happened to my sister/friend/daughter” or “its pretty common, the statistic is that one out of three has a miscarriage in the first trimester”. the worst was hearing someone bless us that “I wish you to get pregnant again soon, have an easy birth with your hands full”. It took me a moment to understand the end of the blessing.
My advice to you, find a close friend. that will be there for you if things don’t go as plan. And tell them, don’t wait. even if things will be ok, its good to have someone to talk too. A pregnancy is something new to both of you and you need that good friend, preferably one that already has a child to hear you and simply being there.

Thanks for reading.