My confidence shouldn’t offend you.

I like to dress up. I go thrifting pretty often, and I am always on the lookout for the next fun piece of clothing I can get my hands on. Fashion is my creative outlet, and I cherish it deeply since I felt very restricted in my self-expression for many years due, in part, to my very religious upbringing. I love going all out with my clothing, and whether I stand out for looking cool or crazy, I will own it.

This seems to bother some people, particularly because I refuse to play the role that I am supposed to play. As a dark-skinned Black woman, some are often surprised at my outward confidence, and the attention I sometimes receive for my style when I am out with a group of friends. Unfortunately, a lot of this surprise, and sometimes envy, come from the friends and acquaintances who I am spending time with.

In all honesty, this surprise stems from the notion that dark-skinned Black women are not supposed to be confident or beautiful. According to the beauty standards that are hammered into us from day one, we’re not supposed to be noticed for our appearance, humor, or charm. When we’re standing next to white women, or even lighter-skinned Black women, we’re supposed to pale in comparison.

So, even though many of my friends and acquaintances celebrate my confidence and assertiveness despite the harmful beauty standards that are hammered into us, some folks expect me, and other dark-skinned Black women, to submit to these standards, accept and play our role as the “ugly” side-character in their movie, and are surprised and even angry when dark-skinned Black woman decide that they are beautiful.

For an event earlier this year, I wore a big fluffy lavender dress that I felt absolutely beautiful in. A white woman, a former acquaintance of mine, approached me and said “I have to give it to you, you look amazing in that dress!” I smiled, thanked her for her compliment, then walked away with growing confusion.

I have to give it to you?

“I have to give it to you” implies that it took significant effort to acknowledge that you liked my dress. “I have to give it to you” implies that you had to “give in” and accept that I actually look good.

Now I’m not saying everyone needs to compliment me or like anything I’m wearing. I’m saying it’s weird that people have such a hard time giving others their flowers due to their insecurity and jealousy. If someone is wearing something you love, or doing something amazing, why not compliment them? Give them their flowers, even if said person is “not supposed to” be doing better than you. The way that some folks are taken aback when I decide I want to look nice or dress up like any other woman is very unsettling.

Several people have also approached me with comments like “Of course, Aicha is all dressed up again!” or “You’re always doing the most!”, indicating that they are bothered by my refusal to act in accordance with the standards that have been forced on us.

I hate to break it to you all, but I am not going to be your ugly best friend who walks beside you so you can feel better about yourself. I am not going to dim my light, so you can benefit from the premise that you are supposed to be more beautiful or successful than a dark-skinned Black woman. I am going to continue to dress as outlandishly and boldly as I please; if my personal style and fashion choices happen to get a compliment over your outfit, it doesn’t mean your self-worth or style is any less valuable than mine.

Being happy for the success and joy of dark-skin Black women until they outshine your success and joy illustrates a lack of a real desire to uplift those with intersecting marginalized identities. It also speaks to the subconscious need to uphold the harmful beauty standards that you can benefit from.

We need to think about and reflect on the way that expectations of larger archaic standards/systems impact the way we interact with those around us. Instead of uplifting those around us and being inspired by their success, we work to put down those who are doing better than us. All of us are guilty of this to some degree, and it is something that all of us can always actively work on.