What Are You Scared Of?
“What are you scared of,” he asked her with a mischievous grin plastered across his face. His eyes somehow twinkled in dim light, giving her butterflies when she looked up at him. He playfully shoved her shoulder, waiting for a response. She remained quiet, unsure what to say. Didn’t he know that the five words sent her heart flying, her pulse skittering, her hands shaking? She knew what she wanted to say: “Of letting you get too close” or “Of you seeing the parts of me I desperately want to hide.” She wanted to say, “Of you finally realizing I’m not what you wanted” or “Of getting attached and losing everything.”
It was as if her mouth was glued shut. She was choking on her words. “Of being forgotten,” she finally spat out.
“I don’t want to be another one of those girls you kiss.”
She watched him as he desperately tried to think of an excuse for his past relationships. He couldn’t think of words to calm this girl’s worrying thoughts. He could the movements in her brain churning like butter.
“You aren’t like the other girls,” he said, grabbing her hand.
She chuckled at his answer. She knew she wasn’t like the others, there was no need for him to tell her. She was scared; actually, she was positively terrified. Now he knew about how much of a mess she was, she made it too easy for him to get out.
“I am scared. So scared,” she said without thinking. But her fear had washed away immediately after the confession.
“I am so scared of being used and hurt only to be left behind. It happens over and over again, so why wouldn’t it happen this time? I am so scared of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed. But most of all, I’m scared of being forgotten,” Ryanne says as her plays with her fingers to avoid eye contact. Her curly brown hair now covering her face to hide the brown eyes on the brink of tears.
He is going to think I am such a loser for crying in front of him.
Mason began to open his mouth, but then closed it knowing that no words would suffice for what she had just said to him. It soon became clear that he was desperately searching for the right words to say.
She began to speak, quieter this time, “I am here. I wanted to prove that someone like you could love someone like me. But I know you will run away as soon as you see me start to crack. I am willing to try anyway because I deserve this. I deserve a love that can withstand all trials and tribulations. I will keep looking until I find it even if that means being scared out of my mind.”
Mason removed his hand, revealing his disheveled blond hair and bright blue eyes. He looked up at her and smiled with the big toothy grin that hypnotized every girl he walked by.
No words could express the love he felt towards her in that moment. There was only one way to express his feelings. He leaned up and kissed her. And it felt like her tongue had already known his name all this time. The moon shine down on the pair as their hands fit together like puzzle pieces.
Things had been boiling over for a long time now. Their car ride filled with silence. She could feel his anger brewing. The car came to a sudden stop. He banged his fists against the wheel. She sat still in her seat and closed her eyes. She pretended she couldn’t see his vein throbbing out of his forehead. As long her eyes were never greeted with his flushed cheeks, she could get through this. She had to stay in control. He always had control. Now it was her turn. The tension in the air was thick enough to suffocate both of them. She couldn’t take it anymore. She got out of the car. She felt trapped like she was in a small cage with untamed animal. The cold air coming at her felt good;she thought she could clear her head. Nothing prepared her for the insults running out of his mouth as fast as a tidal wave. He grabbed her wrists and dragged her back to the car. Tears were flooding down his face; she could feel herself on the brink of tears. She refused to let herself cry. I will hold it in from now on. I am in control. I am fine.
“You knew,” he shouted, and I wondered what he would do if I was the one to push him away, if I got into the car and just drove, drove until I felt safe again, “You knew all this time.”
She didn’t respond. There was nothing she could say. She did know. It wasn’t a question. She finally had something on him. Maybe now she could leave. She was the one in control. Her silence enraged him.
Her hands shook as she thought of what to say next. “I did know. I wanted us to work. I wanted us to work so badly. I wouldn’t have said I knew if I could go back in time.”
As those words flew out of her mouth, he sighed in defeat. He knew he had lost the fight. He then realized all he had done to this girl. All he had put her through. How did it get to this point? How did he lose the girl he loved? He broke all his promises. He told her he would never hurt her. But he did. He broke her.
You have cried all the tears that there were to cry. You realize that at some point you need to put yourself first. You still see him, though, and it hurts. When you are with someone for that long, you become so close. Nine long months, a lot can happen in nine months. You learn to know what they are thinking at all times. Your favorite song becomes his favorite song. You start to love the same bands, movies, and tv shows. Those things don’t go away when you break up; they are still there.
They jumped straight into the deep end of the water instead of slowing walking in from the shallow end. She still thinks about him. He still thinks about her. No one can fall out of love overnight. It takes time. They think about that first kiss in the woods. They think about their arguments. Their voices silent after months of screaming. Maybe this is what moving on feels like. Maybe moving on is the part when you’ve got nothing else left to say, when all has been said and done.
They were good for each other though. It took them awhile to realize that. They discovered their fears together and faced them together. Ryanne looks up and is met with the toothy grin she once fell for. She looks at him. He smiles and approaches her. Butterflies rush through their stomachs.
“I have a question for you,” Mason says not losing eye contact.
“And what would that be,” she says smiling.
“What are you scared of?”
The bell rings and Ryanne walks away. As her unruly hair flows down her back, Mason turns to watch her.
“Nothing,” he whispers to himself in disbelief.