Nothing (Cultural) Ever Happens in Abuja

4 min readSep 29, 2017

Ehen. I can see all of you Lagos people jealous of the Abuja no-traffic situation jumping up and down in rapturous schadenfreude.

Anyway, here is a diary of the week I’ve just spent in Abuja.

Monday

7.15a.m: Depart Lagos on Medview flight.

08.10a.m: Arrive Abuja airport

08.30a.m: Walk out of airport, get into car

09.00a.m: Walk into office in Maitama

Rest of Day: Meetings.

7.00p.m: Arrive reception hosted by the US Embassy for Cultural, Educational and Media Diplomatic Community in Abuja. Lots of people. Maybe 50.

Head for the bar, grab a drink. Eat some juicy beef skewers. Drink some more.

Look around for who to chat to apart from my colleagues.

Meet Jenny Chisom, a young woman who blogs at http://www.jennychisom.com/ on Men’s issues.

Charm my way into getting on a ‘woke’ mailing list.

Colleague introduces me to Samuel Weikopf who is in Abuja to run animation workshops for Goethe Institut and Institut Francais in partnership with EVCL Studios Abuja, creators of Bino and Fino , a Nigerian cartoon series teaching children around the world about African culture and much more.

Get invited to an event at Venture Platform; assume it is this event

Mind wandering so and so that I am, mentally drift off for a minute, think I hear her (the person inviting me) say its on Saturday and so probably a different event. Too embarrassed to ask for details and so say (hopefully) sincerely, that I’ll be back in Lagos and to please invite my colleagues instead.

10.00p.m — Leave reception

10.15p.m: Arrive at my hotel. Check in. Go to Institut Francais website to try and work out the VP event I was invited to. Don’t find it, find instead an Open Call for an International Arts Residency at International Institute for Creative Development, Abuja

Until Midnightish — phone calls. Few more emails, mindlessly surf; fall asleep reading.

Tuesday

08.20a.m: Get into car

08.30a.m: Arrive at the office

Rest of Day: Meetings

05.30p.m: Leave the office (it is raining cats and dogs).

05.40p.m: Arrive at hotel

06.15pm: Leave the hotel for Regent School Mabushi to catch 7.00p.m Wakaa show(Regent Mabushi is quite far apparently)

06.30p.m: Arrive Regent School, box office, get into our seats.

07.18pm

09.47p.m

10.00p.m: Walking out of Regent, agree with colleagues that we will head to Traffic Missouri for food and some drinks.

10.05p.m: Driver seems tired so we decide to head to hotel instead to let him go.

10.21p.m

Midnightish: Bed.

Wednesday

08.20a.m: Leave Hotel

08.30a.m: Arrive office

Rest of Day: Meetings

05.40p.m: Leave Office Back to hotel

06.40p.m: Leave Hotel, pick colleague along the way.

07.00p.m: Arrive Chez Victor for dinner and a conversation about national plans to promote domestic tourism through arts and culture event. (Among other things) discussed Jabi Lake Abuja, Delphino Picnic Abuja, Sarius Palmetum Botanical Garden Abuja and other exciting arts / culture / tourism developments.

Did not photograph my food.

10.00p.m: Depart Chez Victor and head to Traffic Missouri.

What happens in Traffic Missouri stays in Traffic Missouri

Thursday

01.30a.m: Depart Traffic Missouri

01.35a.m: Arrive Hotel, hangout in the lobby.

02.55a.m: Bed

08.30a.m: Meetings in Hotel. Feeling queasy.

01.00p.m: Lunch

Work for a while. Nap.

07.15p.m: Depart hotel, headed for

Drive past Salamander Cafe

07.30p.m: Arrive Spice Platter. Happy to see that Thought Pyramid Gallery (in the same compound) is open. Order and make to go upstairs to the gallery but told it is a private event. Oh well.

The grilled mackerel and spaghetti are to die for as is my colleagues’ Giwan Ruwa. No picture. The portions large enough to kill.

09.30p.m