Breaking In to The Big City
Why the hardest part of moving to a new city is making new friends. And how to change that.
Moving to a new city can be daunting. Challenges abound, from finding a home, or a job, to learning how to get around or finding good shops or restaurants, and perhaps even aclimatizing to a new culture. But of all the challenges, the hardest thing to do, the thing that takes the most time, and yet is one of the greatest needs, is finding friends.
It’s only when we have no friends around us that we realise how important they are.
I’m sure we’ve all felt lonely at one time or other. We’re social beings: we get a rush of endorphins when we hug; we feel unburdened when we have someone else just listen to our troubles; we laugh far more when people around us laugh. And these interactions are vital to our health — new studies are appearing all the time highlighting the detrimental impacts that loneliness has on people. Finding friends in a new city is crucial to feeling comfortable, settled, happy, supported and safe. And yet, despite this need, and our innate social nature, forging new friendships can take a surprisingly long time.
It might seem odd to some that making friends could ever be hard.
After all, at school it was so easy. You just hung around together, and friendship followed. The same at college/university, or on a graduate work scheme. When a group of people are all new together, that sense of a shared experience, the in-it-together mentality, bonds the group. And the regular contact that those environments bring makes memorable events, and the bonding shared memories that come with that, all the more likely to happen too.
But when you’re the one new person in crowd of people who aren’t, you don’t have that connection. Friendship circles can be a closed shop; no vacancies here.
Take the example of an Australian friend, who moved to London several years ago:
“When I first met you guys I knew you were the kind of people I wanted to hang out with. But you were an already formed, close-knit group. It took two years of inviting myself along to your things before you guys started inviting me along yourselves. That’s how long it took to break into the circle.”
Wow! I had no idea we’d been so unfriendly…
It isn’t hard to make friends everywhere.
Our conservation went on:
“In Australia people are so much friendlier and open to interacting with strangers. No one finds it odd if you start talking to them in the street. And if you get on, they’ll invite you round to their next barbecue, there and then.”
This isn’t just national bias either; it’s backed up by a recent survey, which put New Zealand and Australia first and second in a poll of nations friendliest towards ex-pats. I’ve had the same feeling myself when in the US. People seem so much more open to talking to a stranger than in London, where to even look at someone on the tube feels like an invasion of their personal space. In fact, London has been voted the world’s second-least-friendly city, behind Paris, whilst New York was voted friendliest. It’s difficult to put my finger on why that might be, but I reckon we Brits must be a fair bit more judgemental and suspicious of each other. Could it be a hangover from our now-fading class system?
There’s more value in hard-earned friendships.
I was interested to know what effect an environment where everyone is friendly has on the quality of friendships. My friend replied
“I’m far closer to the friends I’ve made here than those back home.”
It makes sense. When gaining friendships is harder, you invest more in them, and they’re going to feel that much more valuable. On the other hand, if friends are easy to make, then you won’t think twice of chucking one in, because you know another is just around the corner. The downside to that is that the friendships are more superficial, and friends are less supportive when times are hard.
I recently had a conversation with a half-French-half-Chinese woman with a similar story. This time, Europe was the friendly place, and China the unfriendly one! Apparently, in China people simply don’t talk to strangers; in fact, they are nothing to you. If I’m honest, I experienced as much on the buses in Shanghai during a brief visit there. I asked her about the depth of friendships in China. The response:
“In China, friends are like family. Friendships are for life.”
Perhaps we should be grateful when finding friends is a little hard, because it also serves to make them that much more meaningful. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t things we can do to make it a little easier…
My top tips for making new friends are:
- Join a community — find a group who are all new together, or a community that’s welcoming to new joiners. See my list below.
- Make shared memories — Participate in memorable activities (something either fun, meaningful, competitive or hard) with the community regularly. These are bonding experiences.
- Pay attention — focus on other people rather than yourself, and make an effort to truly listen to them. By paying close attention to what they say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them.
- Be proactive — Reach out and reconnect with the people you like. Don’t wait for an invitation. Invite them!
- Share yourself — Be open and authentic with the people you like; let them in to the real you. It might make you feel vulnerable, but therein lies the path to friendship. If they respond well, they’re keepers.
Great communities for newbies to London are:
- Meetup — With groups centred around all sorts of interests and activities, there’s something for everyone. And the platform has a focus on meeting In Real Life.
- Zojul—My own web platform, with a focus on meeting people that suit you, through personalised invitations to small events (6–20 people).
- Couch Surfing — Originally set up to help visitors explore cities on the cheap, this site has become a great place for new arrivals to get together too.
If you want to share any other communities that are great for making new friends, especially in London, please leave a comment.
