Third Date Syndrome
The phrase “third date syndrome” came out of my mouth the other day. It seemed like the perfect name for something I was explaining to a friend. Unsurprisingly, I’m not the first to coin this phrase — a google search for “third date syndrome” returns over 800 results. So it’s a thing.
What is it?
It’s that feeling you get, usually around the third date, that even though you haven’t ruled someone out, if you were to see them again that would effectively rule them in, and that’s not something you’re ready to do. It’s equally when you’re on the receiving end of that — after three perfectly good dates, you suddenly find yourself turned down, and there’s no obvious reason why.
Why does this happen?
In a word — expectations. Two expectations, in fact.
I’ve alluded to the first already. After each date, we often feel like the expectations of the other person about our commitment, and also our intimacy, are moving inexorably up some imaginary escalator of romance. We’re stood there together on this escalator, and at a certain point we feel like we’re higher than we want to be, and decide to parachute off. We’re afraid either of the expectations we’re not ready for, or of hurting the other person by not meeting them.
Sometimes it’s less about (our perceptions of) the other person’s expectations, and more about our own. In particular, an expectation about how the relationship should make us feel. “There has to be chemistry!”
I’ve been besotted with people who felt the same way about me. It’s an amazing, wonderful, beautiful feeling.
But it has never lasted. In fact, I’ve never met anyone in a long term relationship who claimed it now felt like that either. It’s also a pretty high bar to expect from any future relationship. And one I’m not sure is reasonable.
What to do about it?
At a dinner once, a woman told me this:
“I dated a guy who on paper met all of the things I thought I was looking for in a partner, but it just didn’t feel like there was much chemistry. Even so, I decided to keep seeing him. We’ve been together 10 years now, and we couldn’t be happier.”
And it’s a story I’ve heard more than once. Sometimes it’s the slow burners that turn into the hottest of fires.
The truth is that relationships are tough. That warm, fuzzy feeling you get at the start doesn’t last. So it shouldn’t be that important to have earth-shattering chemistry in the first instance. More meaningful feelings can develop in the longer term. What’s important is that there is admiration, respect, and care for the other person, and a commitment to make things work.
So try to free yourself of expectations. Dating doesn’t have to progress all the time — be content to let it plateau for a while, and see if it moves itself on naturally. Be open to dating several people at once, and be clear you’re doing this; it helps keep things casual. If someone pushes to move things along, be open about how you feel and where you’re at, and let them make a decision for themselves.
That’s not for everyone, or indeed for most people. If you find it easier said than done, then change the way you date. In fact, don’t date. Stop swiping for love! Hang out with people socially — it’s an agenda and expectation free environment. With the pressure off, there’s that much more room for feelings to grow.
Please clap if you enjoyed reading this. And if you’d like to read more from me on this subject, check out Why I stopped swiping for love.
