Every wave soaked in red

I really

really

hate myself.

Then again, taking responsible for my fuck ups isn’t something that I’m scare of. I’ve came to the zen state of calmly accepting the roaring of the hell from the shits I’ve done.

It’s a fear, of seeing yourself going down the path that you know is wrong yet you kept going through it like a mindless corpse.

I don’t even know why I kept living like this.

Where did I go wrong? Is it when I started doing one wrong thing after another and they kept growing bigger until I can’t fucking tell anyone about it anymore.

Why do I shiver in fear of the mere sight of human? You do love them right? I do. I just, you know, stopped seeing the point.

I’m a colossal fucked up being.

I can’t fight back my instincts. I will keep being out of sync with everything and screwing my deadline every-fucking-time and fucked up with people around me and it only get worse the older I get.

I’m fucking 25 now.

Twenty-Five.

DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER?

Because I lie to everyone too. I kept fooling myself that I wanted to make things better if I can modify the truth to people however I like it. Like I’m entitled to be fucking terrible to people, ignore people who give a fuck about me and my works, screw myself up once again and get away with all that.

NO RIGHT? FUCK YOU FOR BEING A FUCKING CUNT.

Now I’m too scared to sleep. I’m too scared to wake up. Soon I will be too scared to look at myself in the mirror.

I will become truly crazy.

.

You will become whoever you want to be.

.

Do you still believe in that bullshit?

.

But it’s true, isn’t it?

.

Then why am I like this?

.

Why am I being so miserable?

.

What is the point?

.

Well,

.

I can’t really cheer you up.

>

I feel bad too

.

You know despite proclaiming in your head that you’re really smart.

You really don’t know shit

Whenever you make any decision, you are always always tempted by the easy reward.

I’m not even saying that you have to consciously make those decisions. No, you have grown to the next stage: you unconsciously make them. Worry not, soon you will grow to the next stage as well. You will become the wrong choices that you make.

You will become the devil.

You know where devils belong to?

.

Exactly

See?

This video was totally meant for you. You may think you’re better than him, but the reality is that you just fuck things up in less measurable currencies.

.

But you know, most of all, I’m just really scared.

She isn’t really knowing everything isn’t she? What are the meaning of all these déjà-vu that I’ve been seeing? Does it means that I’m being watched?

The numbers 27 kept appearing near the bus stop, near my house, on the menu, in the games that i play.

They’re everywhere.

I have this feeling of seeing eyes everywhere. It’s like she’s staring into my soul, staring straight through my lies like knife through butter.

.

But you really love her right?

.

Are you fucking sure?

.

Mindgame 05:33

.

I think she was the best and the worst thing that could have happened to me. But if it’s anything less, it wouldn’t be her isn’t it?

Is it because of her that I become like this?

Or is it because of me that she become like this?

Why do we have to meet?

.

You changed my world. But I didn’t even asked you to.

Why didn’t you let me be alone with my stupidity? Fuck it why do you have to fucking care about me? Why do you have to try and save me?

.

Why do you have to be so smart? Why do you have to make me feel so fucking humbled?

.

I’m so sorry.

.

I fucked things up again didn’t I? :)

.

I think I just want to be alone.

It doesn’t matter anyway. I don’t deserve anything.

I don’t fucking deserve anything.

Please forget.

.

.

Sorry again huh.

Let the roaring hell unleash upon me.

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