Are there any foods from white countries that are spicy?

I guarantee that you’d be instantly punked by the heat level of the food at this white person’s house. And if my partner makes a slight effort in that direction — that is, makes food that she and I consider fairly hot — you’d be on your knees begging for mercy through a scorched mouth.

I’ll quote an Amazon review for our default household mustard:

My nasal passageways had been locked up for years, sealed like the tomb of a long-forgotten Pharaoh. Nothing could clear a path; not neti pots, wasabi, Lowensenf Extra, ghost peppers, or the meanest English horseradish.
Then I found Zakuson. A torrent of rage and fire ran through me for a moment, a mighty release of endorphins and momentary blindness later, and I could smell color.
If you’re looking for scrotum crushing, bowel shaking hot mustard that’ll clear your nasal passageways out with more fury than snorting a line of Ajax, this is it.

Have I mentioned that there’s a hot version of this? And that we happily eat it when we’re out of the regular stuff, and the store only has that version?

Next, we have our horseradish sauce:

See the picture on the front? Yep; horseradish root. We grind it, add a little vinegar and salt to it, and eat it with a variety of dishes. For children, those with delicate palates, or simply those who like the added flavor, we may add a little bit of beets… but that’s not what heroes eat, is all I’m saying.

The thing about хрен, as we call it, is not so much the perception of heat, of which there is plenty (“fulminating burn” would actually be a bit more accurate); it’s the explosive sinus-clearing power of it.

Yep, it will clear those nasty sinuses right out of your scull. You probably won’t miss them much.

(Worth noting: “хрен” is also a “minced oath” for the male genital organ in Russian. Possibly quite appropriate, because — based on the expressions on their faces — foreigners who try it feel like they’ve had a large, hairy one rudely shoved up their nostrils.)

There’s a number of other spicy mixtures and sauces that we use and happily borrow from other cultures — in fact, dinner tonight was fresh-caught Colorado trout with sliced tomato and fresh jalapeño salad — but these two are specifically native Russian. “White people food.”

Nota bene to the OP: if you should happen to run across any racists who have nothing more than the Scoville scale to use as “proof” of their superiority over others, feel free to point them to this post. If it makes them realize how ridiculous they’re being, and helps them become decent human beings, I’d be quite pleased.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.