It’s Okay Not to be Okay and Admit It

Today I finally braced myself to go to the therapist, and I’m glad that I did.

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It’s Okay Not to be Okay and Admit It

Today I finally braced myself to go to the therapist, and I’m glad that I did. 
We’re living, I’m living in a society who thinks that going to the therapist or psychologist means you’re having a mental health issue and it’s a symbol of failure for having happiness in life. This conception of what it means by going to the therapist by the society has shaped my mind to think that admitting to my boss that “I will go to the therapist a while after lunchtime” will be so embarrassing to me and I should not do it. This concept has even made me think that admitting “I need help” was not necessary from the beginning after all.

Everyone has problems, I get it. 
It’s a matter of how we handle it, I get it. 
But not everything is explainable and not everyone can even understand what they have in their mind. A person might be having it all. She might be that most cheerful girl in her peers, she might be the most friendly and easy going person to talk to, she might be having her career and her appearance to the public figured out, but that does not mean she should not have any reason to be depressed.

If you think a depressed person is because the person is having less money, or having fewer smiles in their daily conversations, then you don’t understand. Depression is indeed really hard to be seen. That girl I mentioned earlier, behind all those “complete-ness” lists of happiness, she might still be depressed. Depression itself, can just come out of nowhere and cause the person not being able to think and be focus on something in a minute she’s being alone in her room.

“If you’re sad, just do some exercise. Try to find some escape. Read books, write, go on an adventure, share it with your trusted one”. I get it, society. 
Yes, I found out that this escape concept might help, but only for a short moment of time. I found out that the moment I come back to my room, trying to write, I’ll instead just stop and staring at my laptop’s screen or keyboard. I don’t even know what to write.

Here’s what I found. This cycle of sadness has been going on and off. Always with the same patterns. It happened, I got sad, I shared to my trusted one, I prayed to God, I did exercise, I forgot it a while, then the next time since I did not find the answer “WHY”, I will keep doing the same thing that will cause me the sadness again. This has to stop!
This habit of “finding the escape ways” has to stop!. I should not ignore these thoughts in my mind that keeps forcing me to stay awake so many nights until 3 AM anymore. I should find the answer why. But to who?

My best friends will always give me answers and suggestions that they think will help me calm down, but not necessarily the rational answers that I do need to hear and suggestions I will need to implement in the future. So yesterday I told myself “It’s time to go to the therapist!”.

It was so hard to tell my boss that I need an hour or so to go to the therapist. In the room that there were my boss and my team, I just told them “I need to check up to the doctor”. Only after then I told my boss through WhatsApp (who’s actually also my friend) that I’m actually going to the therapist. Not even that I was brave enough to tell my coworkers I was going to the therapist because I did still feel ashamed that I’m going there. I feel failed.

When I arrived at my therapist’s house, my steps were so heavy. There were seconds I thought “I should just go back to the office and order the ride now. This too will just pass by, as usual, I don’t need this”. But I (thank God) still went inside the therapist’s house at the end.

So my therapist was a young female. I told her all the things that have been bothering my mind, she gave me questions trying to understand the whole story and everything that might be related with it and she asked me why I’m going there. I told her “I need to know why this thing keeps happening”. And she gave me answers. She gave me answers that somehow I and my best friend ever had a thought before but we chose not to say that’s the answer because WE chose to keep me feel less miserable during my grieving time. Turns out, that was not what we’re supposed to do.

I got my answers, I feel much more relieved and I now have this courage to go to her again next time to give her updates after I try to implement what she told me to. Then I came back to the office and when my friends were curious with where the hell I was actually going, that time it was so easy for me to just frankly told them “Oh, I actually went to the therapist. I did my consultation”
Yes, I got those “looks” and awkward silence by them at first, but turns out they were also just okay with it. I think it’s a combination of how (thankfully) they are open-minded enough and how I was not ashamed at all for saying it.

So dear, when it comes the times that you can’t sleep because you’ve been thinking on the same damn thing all over again, or even when you don’t even know what’s so wrong with your life but you’re always feeling sad with everything, it’s okay to admit that you’re not okay. Stop telling yourself that you’ll just need to forget and ignore it. No, dear. You need to face it and kill it. Kill the sadness.

When you think that the “escape” theory will always work, it might always work. But it will only distract your mind for a while and once the same thing happens again, you will still go to the same bottom rock all over again and never find the answers. It’s really strong to admit “I need help!”. Appreciate yourself when you’re saying and admitting that.

The therapist, psychologist or whatever they are called, they listen to your stories in non-bias ways, not like your best friends. Thus, they will give you the most honest and most logical answers you need. Some answers might hurt, but you will realize that’s what you can do to kill that sadness.

And dear society. Look around you, your closest ones. Don’t tell them “no it’s just in your mind. Just don’t get too stressed about it”… No! Don’t tell your friends that. If they’re reaching you out and say they need help, don’t tell them that. IT WON’T HELP. I mean. They know they don’t need to be too stressed about it. They tried. But it just didn’t work and they didn’t even know why. They just need you to listen and help them to think and probably trying to find the answers. If you can’t, then tell them slowly maybe they want to consider going to the expert. And the most important part is that tell them it’s okay to go to the expert who will be able to help them and will be even much better if you can take them/accompany them going there.

Today, I went there alone, and trust me, the steps were super heavy. In the end, admitting I was not okay, was the right thing I did. 
It is okay not to be okay and admit it. It is also super okay to admit if you need help. I needed help, I found one and I’m still working on it. I hope you or your loved ones too are in your pursuit of happiness :)