L for Love love love — The ABC’s Series

The lesson I took away from my yoga session this morning is to find the capacity to love.

Current Struggle

I woke up dreading my visit with the chiropractor in the afternoon because I was still holding a grudge over the conversation we had yesterday. I told myself

Let go, let go, let go. Holding a grudge does not serve me. I want her to help me, and it seems she has already changed her tune. Therefore so should I.

It was not easy to change my mindset. At the moment I resented the conversation we had. It felt very confrontational, when I felt that it did not need to be. I did mention about the car accident but the chiropractor said we never did. It was actually discussed but not written down in her notes. I felt defensive because she said “you never said…” not “I didn’t note…” I accept that there may be an argument to be had with insurance and it likely won’t go my way (by design) and it is ok with me. However I didn’t like her tone implying I’m changing my tune and trying to trick auto insurance to pay my bills.

The chiropractor called me back soon after to reschedule the appointment to make time for re-establishing paper trail. Trying to save some grace, I suppose. Obligation of a sole proprietor, I suppose.

Previous Negative Experiences

The conversation brought up my resentment against “the American way”. Every service provider is nice and smiley until they don’t want to be held accountable for something they don’t get paid extra for. The belief that payments equal deserving certain service is so strong.

Example 1: “You paid too much money to let him cry by the pool side!”
Example 2: My husband pays someone to clean his teeth therefore he would drink coffee right before the cleaning (whereas I would try to keep it extra clean, hoping that the hygienist would focus on the more stubborn plagues).

Not to mention the fear of being sued is very present for all. It is all about who is responsible. The regular adult is always trying to be responsible so when anything bad happens they are not at fault.

Example 1: did you look in the rear mirror and triple check when you back up?
Example 2: did you go at the “correct speed”, not getting rushed because others honked?

Both of these lines of questioning are pointing back to the underlying question: Are you at fault? In the US, one would want to always be in the right, so one does not have to pay more than necessary.

Back to the Present

Let go of the past so you can live in the present

My dread followed me into my practice. It was on my mind while I try to focus on what I was doing at the moment. I kept telling myself to let go of the past so I can live in the present. I repeated the “mantra” until I can get myself to imagine a positive interaction with my chiropractor in the afternoon. If I let go of the resentment that our conversation stirred up yesterday, I can focus on the goal: get auto insurance to pay for my treatments, past and future. When I let go, I won’t impose thoughts onto my chiropractor which she may not have. She may or may not resent the extra paperwork, and the sense of back-paddling involved. In a positive world, she may be able to sympathize that I truly did not think the car accident from half a year ago is at all related to the physical discomfort I now experience. After her workshop on Monday which indicated to me that she believes in compassion, I should believe in the positive.

And so I will, walk into the chiropractor’s office with the optimism that it will all be ok. I will aim to give her a grateful hug at the end, so she could feel my love too.

Originally published at Ok to be Imperfect.

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