New Year, Old me…
I’ve been seeing everyone reflect and give a run down of 2023 which has been nice to read but for some reasons I don’t feel the urge or need to do the same, maybe it’s because I have been sharing my Journey with you and so what else can I say really?
I had a really lovely mini vacation as I would like to call it, although it had this silent grief aspect to it. I felt all sorts of things, in all, I had an amazing time! shout out to all those who made it memorable. I appreciate you all!
Everyone approaches the new year differently. For me, as a Christian, It has been a ritual to cross over in the presence of God either at home or in church, but God is constant either way. However, this one was a bit different, I mean, I was at church, but deep down, I wasn’t there. I didn’t participate in anything, I didn’t sing during the praise and worship, and I didn’t pray either. During the testimonies, I got upset because I heard of many death escapes, but that was not our case. I also had some mixed feelings about some things people said, I mean It’s ok to just thank God for life without necessarily saying that you are better off because you are alive, what if you are not? If we truly believe that Heaven is a beautiful place devoid of pain or sorrow, then aren’t those who died in Christ better off than us who are still here? But then again, what do I know? We only see and know in part. I was constantly in tears all through the crossover service and silently begging God, “God abeg, take it easy on me”. That was all I said to God at Crossover. I didn’t know what to ask because I asked for a lot of things last year but it didn’t go as planned so what’s the point? The only thing I could do was beg God to have mercy on me because it’s only me that knows the shege I saw last year.
With Tobi’s death, the meaning of life has changed for me including how I approach the new year so please avoid the urge to tell me things such as “it’s a new year, you need to move on” by the special Grace of God, I will block you or just ignore you. For me, it’s just a new day because it’s not like my husband came back to life or the pain just automatically vanished. It is still ever-present, and so for some of us, nothing has changed. I am still taking it one day at a time. As you can already deduce, I have no plans whatsoever for the year aside from the fact that I would finally be resuming work since Tobi’s death. My sister asked me how I felt about it and in all honesty, I don’t know, I’m just there, not happy, not sad, just there. I would let you guys know how it goes when I resume.
Fasting and praying starts tomorrow, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m still conflicted. For a number of years, It’s been a habit to fast and pray for 21 days in January, but this time around, I am debating it. What’s the point? a part of me is saying, do it for the health aspect and the other part of me is saying I should do it well — the spiritual part. As at the time of writing this, I have approximately 5 hours to make up my mind. I would also let you know what I finally settled for.
With all that being said, I have a surprise for you all on Wednesday by God’s grace stay tuned and check back on Wednesday for the surprise! See you in 2 days!
For now enjoy some moments in the form of pictures from my trip below.
