Camp Lessons

So I went to NYSC Camp (unfortunately) and while I was there I learnt a few things, which I will now proceed to share.

Disclaimer: These lessons will in no way benefit your life.

1. Nigerian women looooove it when you call them ‘sister’.

Why? I don’t know. All I know is, without that magic word; some may refuse to acknowledge your presence. Don’t believe me, here is a simple illustration;

A female Nigerian is blocking your path, as a normal human being you say, ‘excuse me’ or ‘excuse me please’. But when speaking to a Nigerian woman, you need to say ‘Sister, please excuse me.’ Without inserting the word ‘sister’ the likelihood of you being ignored is very high.

Add the word ‘sister’ and watch her go from this:

to this:

Unfortunately, I am finding it difficult to stop saying ‘sister’. Please bear with me, my brain is still in configuration mode.

2. When a guy, any guy, any random guy tries to move to* you or your friend, please reply and reply quickly. Welcome his advances, engage with him. Because if you don’t he might call you proud.

Anyway, what is wrong with being proud? It is because of pride that I firmly believe Idris Elba and I will get married. Pride allows you to have goals.

Me and Idris when we meet:

For obvious reasons I am Usain Bolt in this picture.

3. There are levels to forming in Nigeria. Levels I did not know existed, levels I could never have anticipated.

The following is a conversation I had in Camp:

Guy: (asks my friend) Where do you live?

Me: (jumping in to answer for her because why not) She lives in Yaba.

Guy: Really? I have never heard of Yaba. I live in Festac and I have never heard of Yaba.

‘You live in Festac but have never heard of Yaba’

Why are you lying? What are you lying for? Like, why? No, really WHY? Even Mark Zuckerberg has heard of Yaba.

4. It is okay to wear makeup. It is NOT okay to apply your makeup at 2am for over 2 hours with a torchlight so bright I thought Jesus had arrived.

Why was she using a torchlight you might ask, because the Federal Government of Nigeria decided a long time ago that a constant supply of electricity is unnecessary and who is NYSC to disagree.

5. Not all Jollofs are equal.

Before I arrived at Camp I was of the opinion that all Jollof is good Jollof. Sadly, in Camp I discovered that this is not true.

Cooking Jollof rice is a skill, a skill that not everyone has and that is okay. What is not okay is serving me Jollof rice that is clearly not Jollof and expecting me to pay.

Obviously I paid because I was in a remote village and juju is real and I didn’t have the energy to start praying against these things. There were too many other things to pray about, like my money not being stolen out of my fanny pack while I slept. Yes you read that right, I wore a fanny pack and I am not ashamed.

* move to: the act of flirting with a girl or woman (urban dictionary)

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