I realize I don’t really need to say this, as anyone with skin, senses, and/or a Facebook feed is already pretty well aware, but here goes: it’s really fucking cold. We just endured a polar vortex. Do you know what a polar vortex is? I don’t, but I can only assume it’s some sort of threatening, slippery spiral made of pointy icicles and gusts of freezing wind. My solution for dealing with the weather is to pile on a million layers, wrap that in a giant coat, and seal the top with a ten foot long scarf. Some people, however, either don’t seem affected by the season, or they just don’t care. Well let me tell you something, friendo, even Johnny Cash wore a jacket, so I really need you to get it together over there before I completely transition into my overbearing Korean mother, stopping you to make sure if “you habing glub?” These three groups of people leave me especially stressed out and puzzled during the winter months.

1. Kids in hoodies and sneakers. It wasn’t long ago that I was just like you, running around in subarctic temperatures with only an old Green Day hoodie and paper-thin Chuck Taylors shielding me from the elements. I’m not sure what was so unappealing about not freezing my ass off, especially considering I was the boniest most protein-deficient kid ever until I was about 28. Perhaps it was the reckless idealism of youth that kept me warm, or maybe it was just the poisonous amounts of alcohol I usually found myself under the influence of, but when I see a new generation of obnoxious, middle-class kids refusing to wear anything more than workout clothes from the 70's in December, I pretty much just hate them and their smug, not sore knees. Now that I’m older and know everything, it would be a disservice not to offer this sage advice: PUT A COAT ON. You’re not making any political statements by not wearing a coat, neither society nor your parents believes you are sticking it to them, and you don’t even look cool, either. There’s nothing cool about being cold, kids, now stay in school!

Of course, if you’re not wearing a coat due to financial constraints, I feel like a dick now for shaming you, and I apologize. Please look into a coat drive in your area, such as this.

(http://www.newyorkcares.org/coat-drive)

2. Men in suits. I often see men in suits outside with no coat on as well, which totally confuses my brain, resulting in a giant ‘WTF’ to appear over their heads in bubble letters. They can definitely afford a coat, and they aren’t 18 years old anymore…and that’s where my thought process begins and ends, I cannot figure it out. Unless the inside of your coat is dirtier than New York City, wouldn’t you want to protect your body and your suit? The question remains: how are you not freezing to death? Are these million dollar business-man suits lined with fleece? Can you buy them for the entire family for a limited time, only at Old Navy? It’s one thing if you’re running next door to grab a coffee, but if I see you waiting for the bus you better be on your way to fucking Burlington Coat Factory or something!

3. Girls who wear Toms. Now that we are well out of the Dark Ages, there are so, SO many different types of shoes to choose from. They come in all different shapes and colors and sizes; come adorned with any number of sparkles, buckles, hooks, spikes, heels, and probably a hundred other doo-dads I don’t even know about. There are animals being bred for the sole purpose (did you catch that?!) of having their skin torn off their bodies, dried, and stretched to cover your freezing feet, so please tell me—why would you choose to wear canvas shoes in the winter? Do you know what happens to canvas when water touches it? IT GETS WET, and when that wet water freezes it completely changes its physical form, turning into ice. So at the risk of sounding melodramatic—you are going to die if you don’t change your shoes, please put something more substantial than a curtain over your feet until at least March.

I’m sure I sound terribly neurotic and, at times, downright aggressive, but I really just love being warm so much, and I want everyone to experience this feeling for themselves. I’m not saying I’ve got my shit together as much as Gandhi, but I did come up with this amazing quote to leave you with so I’ll let you be the judge:

“Be the change you wish to see in your shoes.”

Think about it.

Now everyone give me your address so I can send you Timberland socks and hand warmers.