The New Age Snow White: options for problem resolving

Olena Kolesnyk
Feb 3, 2018 · 6 min read

Part III

Illustrator — Inna Zarytska

When does the turning point come? It happens when you face the string of events that isn’t alright for you, crossing the mark of “normal”. As if you were overwhelmed with all this stuff and begun to reject it: you’ve had enough, that does it. Illusions, appeals, excuses and fantasizing are put on the back burner by the reality and the real state of things. The helpful inner vacuum where your consciousness was for safekeeping is no longer a shelter. The full picture will gradually be recognized uncut and uncensored. The truth is followed by the shock and the horror. You get stuck for a while here because of understanding the situation but doing nothing to change it. Why is it so? Your consciousness has built the defense for self-protection and existence in the hostile environment for years but when all the lines are broken and you have no strength left to adapt and somehow change your natural habitat. Of course, an extraordinary act can undermine everything and you can go off but it won’t stop the life script execution. What’s next? You wait and absorb the new information to find more evidence that confirms the hard reality.

So, you receive the new information and hard proofs that current situation is untenable. When you snap out of shock and a daze, emerges the idea that the state of things is possible to change. At the beginning, the idea is quite abstract, has no comprehensive plan, which clearly provides all the challenges for its fulfillment. The further transformation can be triggered only with the beginning of the idea and the understanding that things will not change, but, rather, get worse.

Formulation of possible options for problem resolving should take account that partners in this couple are alike. They are for sure pretty much the same. The difference lies only in gender, events of the childhood and youth, behavioral reactions and, perhaps, professional activity. But similar ambitions, aspirations, values, attitude to life and fears unite them. They share one fear for two, the inability to defeat and resist it, which gradually starts to kill this couple.

The fear of loneliness and pathological panic fear of entering the adulthood have encouraged the Snow White and the Gnome to start a family in a hurry. Inability to deal with the problems, to hold opinions and to defend it, to fight for themselves, the lack of willingness to be a team player, to meet the challenges they face every day, to grow and develop on their own, inability to give love and to invest in development of another person “have helped” to drive the situation to a complete breakdown, turning the family life into a Hell. So the Snow White and the Gnome lead a parasitic life on each other’s backs, emotionally feeding on the partner. The Snow White has broken down under the pressure of mother’s “gifts” and the things just went sideways from there. So she couldn’t feed her husband anymore, for as has received humiliation, insults and a beating. The Gnome is the Prince who just never grew up, wants to survive and doesn’t want to deal with own fears. He doesn’t want to take the responsibility, to solve the family problems, doesn’t want to think ahead, to improve her and fight for his Snow White. He doesn’t want to strain and overcome. He wants the better life, not investing in it a single dime. Humiliations, insults and a beating are his remedies for this situation. This way he hopes to raise and bring back his Queen, to draw her attention again and to feed his emotional hunger.

Options for problem resolving:

1. The Snow White can walk on this family. Or rather to escape. To escape from the Gnome. To escape from humiliation, insults, a beating, and humility. To escape from daily horror. To run off into the unknown, claiming her long-awaited freedom.

It is natural to ask, how can a person gain her freedom not even knowing the meaning of “freedom”? How can you enjoy and be happy from your loneliness if you’ve been running from it for your whole life? The right answer will be “In no way”.

So to escape you need to undertake the big preparatory work:

1) To get used to the idea that both of you are killing each other and it has to stop.

2) To realize that from now on every man for himself and you have to divorce.

3) To prepare yourself that you’ll have to become a self-supporting woman.

4) To understand what you want to do next and what are your short-term plans.

5) To find a way to go on living without him as your domestic life and routine are urgently need to be changed.

The most important conditions for the runaway are determination, moral courage, and the inner perseverance. At this point, raise the main problems because the determination can eventually come after the full acknowledgment of the stalemate (realization after snapping out of daze), the moral courage can also appear based on the determination, but there is no basic element to keep you away from the old life — the inner perseverance.

The inner perseverance will end this relationship; will give you the freedom from the fear of the unknown, loneliness and humility. It manifests itself as a strong belief that you will keep your head above the water no matter what. You will get through because there are no other options. You will get through because you have your faith and your strength. How can you get it if you don’t have that? You stir it up by means of the psychologist/psychotherapist, group therapy, and motivation literature, real-world examples from people who got their hard times under control, yoga, combat and boxing classes. The most appropriate option is attending counseling in pair with physical activity, as internal pain will be worked through along with external (it will help not to withdraw), changing thereby the worldview and creating the ability to pursue new opportunities and step over the bounds. The main accent — work with the backbone and creation of understanding that impossible is nothing.

2. The Snow White can work on herself and keep the family together, having made it happy and successful.

The partners in this union are alike: they are connected with the same problems, stumped in same situations, so the family preservation, growth mindset and improvement of the couple are quite possible. Nevertheless, it will be a wartime decision after all this pain and suffering. Anytime you want, you can break it off and leave, repress all the terror and negative feelings, build new relations and start a new family, but something always stops you from a decisive and radical step — the history that remembers the good times, common welfare, habits, and hope. Hope that it is not where your union ends.

If the Snow White decides in favor of this solution, she must know it will be a quite long process; the intended effect will entirely depend on her. She will be the only person visiting the counselor as the woman can herself can save her man and create an appropriate relationship. Unfortunately, the man can’t make it no matter how hard he tries — that is just never enough for her. So that’s why the awakening of the Snow White’s force should be a central focus, revitalization of her inner resources, learning to run this family. That is why in this case can help the counselor who can work through the underlying problems, will teach to get over her fears, will help to raise her self-esteem and to keep head over the water, repelling the Monster’s attacks. The desire to keep the family together, acknowledgment of the mental pain, much more severe than physical, patience, persistence and endurance are the basic elements of the work on the second option. In fact, the Snow White’s personal competence already includes almost all of the above as she constantly suffered pain, was obedient and endure violence both psychological, and physical.

As the lead character transforms, her husband does the same. So eventually he will stop to offend, humiliate and beat her. He will stop demanding humility and total submission. In the course of the time, he will begin to take the responsibility, will get over his fear of difficulties and will indulge his Queen. The Snow White will raise a Prince that the Gnome has never managed to become if she sets an example to follow. That is he will follow her, inheriting and adopting new changes, but he won’t be the initiator or the leader. This is the truth to acknowledge and to embrace for the avoidance of any offenses and illusions.

Changes are possible even though they seem unreal and hard-hitting. Impossible is nothing for the motivated person. For the person who is tired to exist and not satisfied with the less. For the person who is tired to dwell in Darkness and to live in Hell. For the person who wants to Live, Love and Enjoy.

Olena Kolesnyk

Written by

Writer & Psychologist

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade