The Sleeper Awakes

Olena Kolesnyk
Sep 6, 2018 · 7 min read
Illustrator — Inna Zarytska

Night dream. The state of a deep night dream. My life has become a night dream. This is a good alternative to the existing reality. The reality, which I can’t change. The reality, in which I constantly feel fear. Yes, this is my alternative method of fighting with trash, a lot of responsibilities, and even more tasks. The alternative method of fighting with emptiness and indifference conditions. The alternative or the intelligent way to escape? It’s difficult. It’s much easier to choose the fate of the sleeper. The sleeper who sleeps and sees a night dream (Lynch, 2017). A night dream that never stopping and always repeating.

Incarceration. I have created my own prison and put myself into it. Prison, which I can see. Prison from which I cannot possibly get out. These are my thoughts. This is the rejection of the present, the baggage of the past, and the fear of the future. All merged together. All merged into one thing. Everything merged into a painful body, which is often manifested as irritation, impatience, despondency, a desire to hurt someone; as anger, fury, depression, need for a dramatization of relations. I myself am the reason for my pain. Or rather my mind, which was left unattended. So trying to keep control of the situation, my mind constantly avoids the present, bursting between the past and the future (Tolle, 1997). Old sufferings don’t pass without a trace, they remain in the subconscious, which, in turn, controls the present and affects the future. The perception of reality is distorted. All my new experience is reviewing through the prism of past agonies and failures. Night dream.

Safety. “Safety” was defined as one of the basic human needs, without which it will not be able to fully realize its potential and effectively solve pressing problems (Maslow, 1943). Great, if it’s true, I don’t feel it! It seems that on the physical level — everything is OK, I can’t complain, but on the mental — I have stopped feeling it for a long time. I forgot what it’s like “to be safe”. When I was a child, every minute I could feel myself a part of something big, strong and whole. I believed in the power of my family and all World. But my faith wasn’t strong, and eventually, I have lost it. When I became an adult, I wanted to resume this feeling. I wanted to taste it again. Food, sex, work, money, success, power, new places and countries, drugs, new hobbies. I searched for them everywhere: nothing remained without attention, nothing remained untested. Unfortunately, my searches have come to nothing. Night dream.

Ground Connection. Feeling calm, confidence, regardless of income, workplace or marital status? Living in every minute without worrying about the future (Shimoff, 2010)? Utopia or inadmissible luxury at present time? I don’t know. I only know that globalization, regular economic and political changes took away my calmness. They took away my confidence and brought instead a stress-feeling which never stops. The dire necessity to match popular trends that are quickly changing, the focus on personal growth and development what never-ending, the increase of competency level that never ceases, the improvement of speed level for professional tasks performance and projects realization have become my urgent problems. The desire to survive, become successful and take my place under Sun in this World have become a fundamental priority. Everything else can wait. Everything else is in standby mode until “the best times”. Night dream.

Anxiety. I feel it every day. At the first sight, there are no objective reasons for anxiety, but this feeling became new companion escorting me everywhere. I can’t relax. I can’t feel pleasure. Horrible! I have always the impression that I missed something or didn’t do, or forgot. Tension. Restraint, unreasonable anger and rushing. Rushing here and there, there and here. Maybe, the causes of my anxiety are high expectations and exorbitant ambitions? Maybe, the causes are egocentrism and inability to realistically assess reality? Maybe, the cause is my drowsiness (Dalai Lama, Tutu and Abrams, 2016)? Maybe I don’t know. All I know is that all the resources are not limitless. My resources are limited. There are a lot of things what I missed: moments, opportunities, people and years. I don’t want to continue this unhappy game. Mindfulness? I don’t know what it is. Maybe some other time. Later. Too late, I’m tired. Night dream.

Present Time. Nowadays, only a lazy person doesn’t talk about this. Everywhere you can hear phrases: “stop postponing your life until tomorrow”, “live now” or “being present”. Yes, I like them! I like these phrases: they are pretty beautiful and inspire the hope that happiness is possible not a utopia. For me, they are pleasant to the taste but absolutely empty. I don’t understand them. I can’t understand why I should aspire to being in the present if I’ve already located in it. Theoretically. No, it’s not all true: notwithstanding my physical location in the present, mental — I am not present at this period of time. My thoughts are in the Chaos — are random, don’t relate to each other and between events. I always think about something, trying to solve a thousand tasks at the same time. I want to be faster being in the future, naively believing that there will be better than here. I endlessly force the events, hurry and bustle, thinking that I can outwit the time. Maybe, this is due to the fact that I refuse to accept the present time. Refuse to come in contact with all the unpleasant feelings that always accompany me: fear and anxiety, emptiness and indifference, old pain and the baggage of the past. Most likely, it is. But can I live differently? Examples of thousands happy and confident people are confirmations of that. I need to start something doing.

Acceptance. Acceptance gives the opportunity to interact with life, playing by its rules, and not to grieve over the fact that it does not meet the expectations or otherwise. A lot of suffering is due to my reaction to people, things and circumstances. My subjective assessment, made on the basis of previous experience, which, unfortunately, wasn’t always positive and didn’t always bring me joy. But this previous experience isn’t present anymore. The past no longer exists at the present time. So, unwittingly, I don’t bring happiness, pleasure and joy in my life, because can’t say goodbye my past and switch mind to another time period. The ability to be present in the present time means the ability to accept the vulnerability, discomfort, and anxiety of everyday life. Accepting the fact that life is what it is, and not what I want it to be, I can reduce my suffering, stress, anxiety, and discontent and bring lightness, comfort, and joyous feelings into my present life. Acceptance — tool that can cut up all resistance, help relax and clearly understand each individual situation, in order to subsequently adequately react to it (Dalai Lama, Tutu and Abrams, 2016).

Body. I can touch the body, I can see it — but the body itself is not capable to create awareness of the presence in the present time. Visible and tangible body — only the outer shell. In the natural state of oneness with the present, I can constantly feel the objective reality as an invisible inner body, a living presence within. “To dwell in one’s body” means the ability to feel the body from within, to feel life pulsating in it, and thereby to realize oneself outside the framework of external forms. But this is only the beginning of the journey. At first, I can feel only fleeting glimpses of contact with the present time, but thanks to them I will begin to realize myself as a part of my family and the World (Tolle, 1997). Finally, I can be in safety and feel inner peace. Finally, I can get what I’ve been looking for so long time.

Concentration. When all my attention is focused on the mind, I begin to fall out of the present moment. In such cases, usually, I am somewhere outside my body. The mind completely absorbs consciousness and turns into its own application. In this position, I can’t stop the flow of thoughts. In order to feel myself in the now, I need to regain consciousness and separate it from my mind. To achieve this I need to split consciousness and mind: redirect the attention from thoughts to the body. I close my eyes and direct the attention inside the body. I feel it from the inside. Is it alive? Could I feel the life in my hands, arms, legs, feet, stomach, and chest? Could I feel the subtle energy that pervades my whole body, fills every organ and every cell with life? For a few seconds, I’m focusing attention on the inner body. I don’t think about it, only just feel it. And the more attention I focus on the body, the clearer and sharper I feel it. When I opened my eyes and return to the real world, I still continue to be partially present in the internal energy field of the body (Tolle, 1997). Now I can start to understand the mindfulness. Awakening.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade