my body and i think you said it looked good once
(i feel like this is the foundation and i’ll build the building later)
fall hit richmond really suddenly and i don’t have any long pants. pls send money or send a pair of jeans by bird but if you don’t have a bird that can carry parcels but you have $$$ to give:
- square cash (this girl will even take ur visa/mc/whatever)
- and that’s it really (i hate venmo and y’all should stop using it immediately)
i would love long pants cause i keep waking up cold and sweaty and i also ripped my only pair of jeans at work yesterday which helped spark this kind of endless feeling i’m in the middle of right now.
i ripped my jeans at work but they fit me ok, if a little snug, before the summer hit but my body is bigger now and i’m having a hard time dealing with the weight gain.
i decide to go to sleep instead of thinking but i’m on instagram, the third option, and looking at pictures of all these skinny trans women when a huge rush of shame hits me when my chest just gets really tight and the focus in my head seems to fold in on itself (the focus being like the area of a bird’s outstretched wings over my head (lol), aware of all, and the fold being like the tunnel of an empty paper towel roll and i’m just staring through this tunnel, this empty paper towel roll that’s inside my head directly at what is triggering this feeling) and i really just wanted to sleep but now i feel like i can’t, my mind is thinking about everything that led me up to this point, this point being me feeling undesirable, unwanted, and i could’ve done things so differently this past year i guess but i didn’t and now i’m wondering how all this happened, this weird little moment i’m stuck in on my friend’s living room couch, and i realize it was brought out from me seeing things around me that challenge me and isn’t that dumb and childish and narcissistic of me.
there’s this double-shame that blankets over everything now and it doesn’t seem normal to feel like how i’m feeling and so i take 4 l-theanine and wait for it to knock me out, i love the stuff.
i wear gym shorts all the time because the band is comfortable around my waist and it won’t exaggerate my large stomach. people call me a “panda” because of my large size and qt masculinity even with the racist undertones (“but i was living in japan!”) and dysphoria i couldn’t acknowledge in front of my friends in high school.
‘see 2010’ except the panda part.
the only panda in my life is that desiigner track that came out earlier this year, that track is so tight.
i remember when i first started shaving my body regularly. i would break down crystal meth into powder using my drivers license with the face down and i’d break it up into lines, snort it on my black desk in this closet i rented out from some russian dude who worked at microsoft for $400, and my nose would burn and i’d taste this awful, chemical drip and i would do this whole thing while filling the tub with hot water cause it still took me a long time to do this whole thing of shaving but doing it high was a lot more tolerable than being sober and baths are nice and i had lots of fun taking care of my body while high because crystal gave me the confidence i’ve always wanted for myself and all the negative thoughts and hesitation i held towards my body held no weight (hehe) and i didn’t have to eat. i didn’t have to cope like i used to when i was younger when i found comfort in food and i didn’t have to deal with the dysphoria i felt then, even though it was hard to see it as dysphoria then, and i could just shave my body and watch the hair go down the drain, “eat some food and watch it disappear”, leaving my body forever, away from my body and i, but drains can get clogged with hair and asses clogged with shit and i never liked to think about that. i shaved my body cause it made me feel new (woops).
fall of 2015
i hit 131 pounds and i’m about half a year into my transition and i still have a belly pouch that prompts google searches on “stubborn belly fat” and i remember thinking about going down to 120 to see how that feels, i think that would feel better. i have vyvanse and adderall prescriptions after working carefully with my doctor and i’m taking them instead of eating and smoking a lot more cigarettes and eating a lot less food and my stomach is used to not feeling so hungry all the time and my hair is brittle and dry and i think it’s just the air getting colder and maybe i need to wash my hair less but i just love this lavender tea tree oil shampoo + conditioner combo so much cause people keep saying i smell like patchouli and even though i hate patchouli it’s great to hear people say, “you just always smell so good!!” but it’s pretty expensive and i think it might actually be hurting my hair cause it gets all over my hands whenever i run my fingers through my hair in the shower, a wall littered with strands of hair, but whatever, i smell good and my hair still looks ok.
i stopped weighing myself a few weeks ago. i think last time i checked i was about 180 or something. i’m 90 days without a cigarette and i haven’t filled a prescription for vyvanse or adderall since summer started. i don’t ever want to use crystal again (will unpack later in a different essay), but sometimes i think about it and i’ll ruminate. i don’t know anyone else in my immediate group of friends that can relate to me on using but i also hope that never happens.
”i” being some grey cloud inside my chest held together by some definite shape along amorphous, transitory lines
i take a combination of effexor, wellbutrin, and remeron for my depression. i’m convinced my body is having a hard time losing weight because of these medications, but i’m also just eating a lot more and not eating well. i generally write another essay when i’m feeling depressed and i feel really down right now. i think i wanted to touch on other things when i started this but now i’m just feeling exhausted and i don’t want to touch anything anymore right now. i don’t want to feel so much shame for the things i’ve done and the person i am.
i feel like this is the foundation and i’ll build the building later
i’ve been feeling undesirable for a long while now.
something i want to explore in a future essay: what happened inside me that made me feel like no one loved me / what happened around me that made feel like no one loved me / what made me think that no one would care about what i was doing to myself and to my body / why do i still feel this way sometimes and why do i feel so isolated?
someone close to me said they didn’t really know me and in my head i’m like, “but haven’t you seen my medium page”.