I wish you are still with me

You will never get to this, and maybe that is for the best. I won’t lie, I would love for you to be here, to read this. But, you won’t. We don’t speak anymore. We are not friends anymore.

You are on the other side of the planet, not thinking about me. You are somewhere out there. You exist. You exist, without me. And it might sound patethic, or lame, it might sound .. Whatever. I don’t care about how it sounds. But that hurts. Being without you hurts. Being without you is like being alone in the dark. Like being with only the bad part of the world. The part where you are not beside me.

It is funny, it was a few years ago when I first saw you, and I would have never guessed what was ahead of me. Never would I guess that you are my soulmate. A big word. Soulmate. I would never guess, where love hides. It is everywhere around us, and it is hiding at the most unusual places. I never actually believed in that before you. Baby boy, you are the place I always dreamed of and never got to. I tried the hardest that I could. But I never got there. The mountain I never fully admireded. The sea I only smelled. The tree I hugged but not loved enough.

Just a little time was enough to be captured by your existence. Once I got to your heart, I could not stop, always wanting more. I wanted to hug your soul. To be near you. To protect you from all the wrong in this world, because you were everything right. Without a touch you calmed me. You loved me. You really did.

I stopped being afraid of falling while you were a part of my life. Your words of belief were my favourite words. You were there like you were supposed to be there. Always. You felt right. And you did good, you did very good baby boy. You will forever be my favourite person in this, and in every next life. My soul loves you. It will always look for you in every place, in every sound, in every person. Forgive me, for not letting you go. I don’t want to. You are my guardian angel. You tought me how to love.

Life was hard before you, but after you, life is almost impossible to bare. A feeling like I am fighting for every single breath. Even tho I’m not. Sleep equals pain. Silence is always filled with your face inside of my mind. I catch myself wanting to scream, but I don’t. I just ignore all the pain and I put it in my art. Maybe that’s good, maybe it’s bad, I don’t really care. A part of me is missing and I have the right to deal with it however I can.