Feeling weird at arms length

I feel weird. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but I definitely feel weird. It kinda feels like swimming through jello. Moving so slow that drying paint would be entertained, with about as much control as an asbestos infestation. I don’t really understand why it is that I feel like this. Things are going well.

I guess the logical thing to do at this point, would be to inspect my feelings as though they were clues left at the scene of a crime. In some respects I guess they are. The thought of this, is literally causing me to push my laptop further away from me, as though adding a few centimeters of distance between my eyes and the screen will ease the task. A therapist would probably tell me I’m attempting to add “Psychological Distance” to the subject matter. Two sentences later and I haven’t started the process, though I guess that makes sense since procrastination has been the theme of the day. Or maybe I have started, maybe the process is just longer and less clear than I thought it would be.

I’m starting to feel a little better. This might sound crazy, but it’s almost like the act of writing and expressing how I’m feeling, as half-haphazard as this medium may be, make’s me feel more in control of my own internal state. It feels more like a mold infestation than asbestos now. More annoying than threatening.

From this new elevated position of slightly less shitty, let us explore the mess that is my internal landscape. Ultimately, like most things this comes down to control. I am currently feeling an extreme lack of control over myself. I have been procrastinating all day, and I can’t seem to focus on my work. When I attempt to force myself to move past it, to be disciplined, I start to feel really weird. I think the feeling that I’m attempting to define is the feeling of being overwhelmed. Am I experiencing burn out? That doesn’t make much sense to me, this weeks been busy, but not too busy.

Proper task segmentation and full focus is a necessity to producing good work. It seems that at the moment I’m having trouble zooming in to the task at hand and clearing my mind of all else. This is rather troublesome considering that one of my biggest business assets is this very trait. A trait earned through countless hours of practice and sweat. The fact that it can just disappear, even if only temporarily is rather concerning. As ridiculous as it is, it makes me wonder if I will ever see this trait again. Perhaps it is gone forever.

Well, at the very least I have finalized my diagnosis. It is the interaction of a feeling of lack of control, lack of focus, and lack of discipline. The result of piss poor management. I have in one way or an other burned myself out. What is worse, is that I did not manage my recovery period well.

The entire day I pushed back working, to do small non-displeasurable activities, optimizing for minimum discomfort, not maximum enjoyment. This resulted in moving from guilty pleasure to guilty pleasure without particularly enjoying myself. Leaving me now, this evening, with no work done, little cognitive recharge, and no spiritual rest. Quintessentially a wasted day.

Had I been more honest with myself I could have cut my loses early and just enjoyed myself today, with no guilt. I would have gotten the same amount of work done, but tomorrow would be poised for productivity. I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here with my laptop at arms length writing about feeling weird at 4:00 am.

Oh well. Live and learn.

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