Publishing is Hard

This is hard. Writing something, knowing full well that an Other will read it, but having no idea whom that Other will be is hard. Why am I even doing this?

It would be a lot easier if this was my job or something. Then I would be able to pretend that I didn’t have a choice, and then magically the thoughts would just flow from my mind to this partially filled screen. I bet I would be able to arrange these symbols, that have been imbued with arbitrary meaning, into a symbol composition that would lead the Others consuming it to label me, the composer of the symbol composition, as ‘eloquent’ or ‘insightful’. I bet this positive feedback would drive me to arrange more symbols into symbol compositions, and publish them to the world to receive more feedback, further driving me to create even more symbol compositions.

Though maybe the opposite would happen. Maybe the Others consuming my composition would not enjoy the arrangement of my symbol composition. Maybe they would label me as ‘idiotic’, ‘stupid’, or even worse determine my efforts to be ‘pointless’. Regardless of the validity of their assessments, that negative feedback would probably lead me, the composer of the symbol composition, to decide that clearly, there is no point in arranging symbols in a way that is intuitive to me. That if I still desire to arrange symbols it is probably best to adopt a methodology of doing so that is more intuitive to Others, to cease to publish my symbol compositions, or to cease to arrange symbols into compositions altogether.

Of course the Others that share their thoughts with me, the composer of the composition, will in most cases, have never meant for their actions to lead to the outcome that they do; Frankly, their honesty will be appreciated. Even though I rationally understand how the patterns are likely to play out, the intentions of the symbols in the feedback and the abstract concepts those symbols point to, emotionally I will still be vulnerable to the effects of the feedback. No matter how I prepare myself. No matter how ‘aware’ I am. Breaking out of the patterns that the feedback may cause will be hard, really fucking hard.

Funny how we rarely understand the impact we have on Others.

This could be the reason that publishing is so difficult, because it leaves you vulnerable, no matter what you do. Maybe, the vulnerability is the value. Maybe, being aware of the possible implications of publishing and accepting them, is the growth we seek through public self-expression.

Meh, if I don’t press the green button this time I probably never will. Fuck it.