Oliver Lister
Nov 4 · 3 min read

Cover it in concrete

“RBMK reactor cores don’t explode” Dyatlov angrily insisted in the HBO miniseries Chernobyl. As hellfire and radioactive fag-ash shitted down from the heavens, turning first responders into scabby blancmanges, viewers were like ‘u sure m8’.

It seems a long time ago now, and maybe in football years it was, but some of us can remember when Spurs played with so much energy they could’ve rerouted some to keep the lights on in Ukraine without affecting the result. Like its Soviet power station counterpart, the Spurs core has blown out; like Dyatlov, Pochettino has persisted as if all is still operational despite the fires, everyone dying and a points return even Newcastle fans would be embarrassed by.

Pochettino’s man management has been distinctly back in the USSR. Favouring the political over the practical, his decisions have turned the Bay of Pigs into the Cuban Missile Crisis. Ben Davies, hitherto considered only suitable for 80+ minute cameos or starts against no marks, was elevated to the starting XI due to Rose’s suspension. Given Rose’s propensity to unravel like the bobbins he is as soon as a football comes within five feet of him, his continued selection has been a steady source of confusion. It stands to reason, therefore, that the guy overlooked in favour of the human shat-om bomb is made captain.

Pochettino watches on as his charges throw away another lead, this time away to struggling Everton

Rose, of course, is not the only beneficiary of Poch’s obduracy. Vertonghen, Aurier and, most of all, Eriksen have continually let the side down due to the ageing process, the thinking process or I cannot-fucking-process-a-pass-to-a-teammate. Poch has become prisoner to his favourites and now Spurs have been sent to Siberia in 14th with only 13 points from 11 games. Like Dyatlov, Poch cannot face what is happening and continues as before. One mistake leads to another, which leads to catastrophe.

Unlike the nuclear disaster I’ve chosen for this week’s laboured analogy, Tottenham do not have the country’s best and brightest scientists trying to prevent a nuclear meltdown. Instead we have a manager whose efforts to address an away form that has seen us take three points from the last 36 (THIRTY SIX) available is to use his functioning and enthusiastic resources as poorly as possible. Dele Alli? Yeah, stick him on the left wing. New signing Lo Celso? Yeah, let’s not bother starting him, wouldn’t want him to be unfit for international duty. Sessegnon? One minute should do.

Pochettino’s feeble-minded management isn’t the sole cause of Spurs’ plight. He’s part of an institution living in denial of the scale of its problems and, like the Soviet Union, ends up with large scale disasters simply because things were done on the cheap. General Secretary Levy, though, is no Gorbachev. There will be no glasnost and perestroika, paving the way for a more open and democra…OK, so maybe things didn’t go exactly as some hoped for Russia, but at least they had a go.

The players warm up ahead of Sunday’s tea time fixture

Dyatlov’s negligence ended with him serving time. I don’t want to suggest a similar punishment for Poch – I’ll leave that to others – but he probably shouldn’t be working in football for the time being. Unlike the prominent scientist involved in the Chernobyl clean-up, Valery Legasov, I’m not going to kill myself over this. I will, however, suggest building a sarcophagus over the ground if something doesn’t change soon. For the greater good.

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