The 10 best excuses for skipping Thanksgiving
Jessica Wildfire
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I think I’ll employ a synthesis tactic.

Dog got struck by lightning, but the subsequent personality change led us to suspect, but never confirm, that the “lightning” was actually an alien transporter technology, and the reason that the dog looks older, more grizzled, and spontaneously exactly like an English shepherd — when, allegedly, we had a corgi — is a result of the time/matter displacement of the alien transporter technology, i.e., an incident of STT, which wouldn’t have even happened if it weren’t for the fact that we were playing adult hide and seek — I don’t even need to explain that one — but with a twist, since we were all still in our cars, but then mine got stolen literally from under my ass, which was a real bummer since the seat was the only thing keeping the stitches in — did I not mention that I got some minor surgery? Don’t worry about it, it was minor, and I have a follow up appointment on Thanksgiving, so that’s a bummer. But it could have been worse, because somehow we ended up in Canada at the time, which — bad news — you got carjacked, but — good news — being Canadians, the carjackers left some maple-bacon cupcakes and a really nice note. Incidentally, Canadian maple-bacon cupcakes are bomb. And the whole thing would have been okay, if it didn’t turn out that I was the carjacker after all, that I left maple-bacon cupcakes for myself, and now the Canadian police have tossed me — very politely — in the clink for (how many days till thanksgiving?) for fourteen days! I know. Inconvenient.

But since I died anyway, it’s no big deal. Yeah. Should have checked that meteor insurance. Did you know that once a meteor hits the ground it becomes a “meteorite”? Neither did I! I know. Due to this technicality, insurance won’t pay out. Pretty stupid. I’ll have to pay for a resurrection out of pocket.

But the really lame thing is that the Canadian Mounties took my pumpkin spice latte. I guess those guys love their pumpkin spice.

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