Olivia Loving
Sep 3, 2018 · 2 min read
where I spent the summer (McLean Hospital)

I’ve started my second year of graduate school, and I feel better about being here than I did last year. My OCD is under more control, I’m in an apartment I enjoy (and that doesn’t have roaches climbing up the walls), and I did ERPs (exposure and response prevention — exposure therapy, in short) over the summer that helped me feel less afraid of writing / writing badly. That fear was the reason I hardly wrote anything last year and submitted old work instead. Last year was kind of a shitshow, school-wise.

I started on a new medication in late June — Abilify — and I noticed a lift in my depression. It’s a word that feels strange to write, because until it went away I didn’t realize that what I was experiencing was depression. But once the meds kicked in, I found that I could move through the day without napping for most of it, that I could be excited about things like texts from friends and the prospect of traveling. But I’m having a huge problem with concentration. I tried to convince my psychiatrist at McLean to put me on ADHD medication, because I was feeling desperate and depressed about my inability to concentrate while reading, which used to be my #1 favorite activity.

I’m feeling a little self-conscious about what I’m writing right now, but I’m telling myself that this is an ERP and it’s not meant to be perfect. The important thing is that I’m getting down my thoughts. I went to the gym this morning and chatted with Melanie on the phone while I used the bike machine and stretched. We talked about men, and she told me to watch Sex and the City. I signed up for information about club tennis and club soccer at my university, and practices start this week. I think I’d rather do soccer, but I can’t wear contacts because of a corneal ulcer I had in high school. And so to play goalie I would need to get prescription goggles, or something, that wouldn’t break. I went to the grocery store today, which was an ERP for me, and made pizza for lunch and a smoothie. I am trying to lose weight and remember that when I worked at the refuge, I lost weight quickly, and that was because I was cooking for myself.

    Olivia Loving

    Written by

    reader, writer, copy editor. obsessed with swamps. currently in wilmington, nc.