The journey to self (re)discovery

“You just have to climb up that wall and realize that there are no restrictions, no barriers to what you can actually do. You can do whatever you want because you are nothing and everything in the same time.”

My journey began about a half a month ago. I was in the kitchen talking with a friend about meditation and soul searching. All of the sudden, 3 hours had passed. In this time, I told him my “life story” and we ended up making a pact of meeting up every morning and talking about things. At the beginning, after giving it some thought, I was a little bit scared of what this will reveal and what I will find inside, thus the idea did not sound that great anymore. You see, in my opinion, we are all aware of what’s inside of us and we never ever want to let the monsters out. Because once they are out…all hell breaks loose. The thing that we fail to take into consideration is that after we finish with the crying and the hurting, that’s when we are free. Truly and absolutely free. I remember, at our first morning meeting, I was looking outside the window and I suddenly told him:

“I wish I were free. Like that bird in the sky.”

“Well, what’s stopping you?”

“Life.”

“What do you mean?”

“I cannot just…live. It cannot be that easy.”

“Of course it is!”

(What do you think dear reader? Is it?)

A lot of my beliefs were and still are crushed and I am discovering, step by step, that there is nothing to be scared of, that we are nothing, matter made out of light and the world is our own subjective perception. We control what happens to us. The others hurt us only if we let them. We can choose between good and bad, sad and happy. We have the full power to do anything but we have this misconception that we are just..humans, not Gods. And that’s a huge first mistake. We need to understand that we are the Gods of our own lives — we create, destroy, we shape our own worlds. We have the power to do anything.

Another lesson learned, which was a real eye opening thing for me, was about expectations and why we tend to be disappointed when people do not “perform” as we wish them to. We have this idea of how a person needs to treat us and they do but up to a certain point. And then, when they have a bad day and we do not get the nice treatment, when we are not pampered anymore, we feel incomplete, like something changed to 360 degrees and we think that we are the ones to blame. We give so much meaning to something which is not there and we are so good at making assumptions that we end up believing the story that our minds created and fail to see the real truth (assumptions are the mother of all fuck ups, right?).

We fail to look at the whole picture and to truly understand it. The selfishness is eating us alive and we tend to believe that it is us and only US that matter. Because we do care for the others, right? Or do we only care about how they make us feel? Think about it for a second — are we truly helping someone because we feel like it is the best thing to do and we do not expect anything in return or because it makes us feel good about ourselves? Everything is in the details. We are all the same, made out of matter but our experiences, our memories are the ones that differentiate us from one another. And we make the mistake of identifying with it. We put labels: “you are my friend”, “I am your daughter”, “he is my boyfriend”. Once someone becomes an it and fails to deliver as we please, we move along. There are plenty of “perfect people” on Tinder, right? Why should you bother to settle? Why choose to wake up next to the same person every day when another is waiting for you only one swap away?

Every day is a new beginning. Everything that you know from yesterday — that’s long gone. It’s not there anymore. The sun is rising differently today, the sky is a different blue now, there are more birds flying and the one you love is lying next to you, different than yesterday but more beautiful than ever. Because you see them for the first time again and that means falling in love all over again with someone. If I have to compare it and give an example, think of a piece of chocolate — you eat one today, you enjoy the taste and how it makes you feel. Tomorrow, you get a piece of the same chocolate but it is not the same. The shape maybe is the same, even the brand, but the taste is different because it is a different one. That’s why they say: ”Do not leave to tomorrow what you can do today”. Tomorrow does not exist. You are here now. In the now. So why not experience it wholly?

Stop limiting yourself, stop putting anchors in your past that can only end up hurting you. Nothing is ever the same — it only depends on how you react in a situation that seems familiar. Where you see patterns of behavior, do not ask what’s wrong with others but why you are reacting in the same manner you did before. Remember: people can only hurt you if you let then. So don’t.

“If you had to choose between being happy and living free and being always sad and taking everything personally, what would you chose? Who do YOU want to be?”