We broke up again.
We aren’t even boyfriend and girlfriend how can we break up. It’s just over.
The line was crossed until I realized I was being unreasonable.
After I cried loud, bellowing, wails and sobs and realized he wasn’t going to show any mercy I knew I had to stop to realize how easy my day had been
with the greatest of ease, I got a cab to the uniform store…..
my dry cleaned and pressed uniform reminded me I was going to make it to the finish line…. four months of training all made possible by Michael who kept me alive somehow and gave me something to believe in when I stopped believing in God or even my family…… (there’s so much to this story and me and my friend’s way of life that as I write it out now I can’t believe how much I could go on and on about it….) The uniform was a tangible compilation of every single morning of being woken up at 4 am by a text message from him and a link to the song Say You Won’t Let Go by James Targus.
I had not at all memorized the grocery store but was able to find everything so easily and cut my time there from half an hour to 15 minutes.
The cashier behind the counter at the UPS store was wearing a NASA shirt, and took care of all my important letters to my family…… letters that housed solutions I couldn’t come up with on my own, that Michael suggested. He genuinely cared about my family….. he gently encouraged me to express these suggestions, things that I would have gone a lifetime not saying.
I fell asleep depressed. and planned to stay asleep until morning, having not eaten anything to be nourished for my strenuous day tomorrow but I just
for the love of God could not fucking sleep. I tossed and turned, my eyes still puffy from crying and got up and made myself a vanilla cream soda and pulled out the sushi dinner I got from today and put on an episode of The Office and honestly, it was the most wonderful of feasts after an exhausting cry and putting up a fight.
I gave in and realized….the things I was crying for weren’t worth holding on to any longer. If I let go what breaks my heart, then I can really go on living. That is, I can learn to see what really matters, and learn to appreciate that instead…….
I may not be the prettiest, or the smartest, or the wealthiest….. but my days were easy, my plate was full and I have more than most.
In every painful experience inflicted on me….. I always come away with something, usually something learned. I don’t think this is at all what it means to be in a BSDM relationship but I think this is why ours works so well.
My best friends have more traditional BSDM relationships where their sadist gets them cars…………..will write about that soon.
