An update on my life after you assaulted me
I don’t know how things have been for you since that morning. I wonder sometimes how seriously did you take what happened between us that morning. I sometimes wonder if you ever fear I might finally report what happened to the police. But here is what’s happened to me.
You woke up and decided to finger me. Then you decided to take your boxers off. you felt my hand push you away, so you put your hand back down there. I pushed you away again and told you “no, I am not ready.” You said I was, you made me ready.
I finally confronted you and had to wait an hour after I asked you to leave before you actually left. Begging me not to call the cops, I agreed not to in my distraught and confusion.
I called a therapist who told me I should have known better. “You met him on tinder and after two months you let him sleep next to you? At least next time you’ll know better.”
I tried to go to the Halloween party, left early, called another therapist and cried. Sunday I told my roommate. I cried more. I told my parents. I did not leave my apartment.
Monday I went to my in person therapist and told him what happened. He suggested I invite you to a session so we could talk about this “misunderstanding.” Thats why I texted you and asked you point blank if you would have continued if I hadn’t woken up still promising not to call the cops. Thats when you responded “yes, how does that help you.”
I told the dean of my school. He and my parents and roommates were the only people who took it seriously.
I missed some classes because I kept freezing every time I tried to leave my apartment. I didn’t even know why. I had to ask my roommate to come with me for the two second drive to the gas station food, I have no idea why.
I really started struggling to leave my room.
I finally cleaned my room and burned incense I needed you out of the air.
I had stopped pole dancing. Where that pole had once given me power confidence and sexiness, now when I touched it I felt gross.
I finally managed to pole dance again.
I tried to date again.
I still wasn’t leaving my room for anything except food.
I managed to go to a friends birthday party and hang out at the town bar with some friends.
But those were the only times I could leave the house.
I somehow managed to take my exams and passed, barely.
I went home and stayed in my parents house in my room for three weeks.
I decided the new semester would be a fresh start, and for the first few days it was.
Then I couldn’t leave my house again.
I could go with a friend to the bar, but that was the only time I could leave the house.
Finally my dean told my parents I had missed too many classes. I was on put on medical leave.
I moved back home.
I got intensive therapy.
I hated myself for “failing” out of school.
I got more therapy.
I wrote and published a book about what happened: https://www.amazon.com/Yes-No-Maybe-experiences-education/dp/1534840168/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1471739250&sr=8-2&keywords=yes+no+maybe
Now I am applying to the Peace Corps. I am even “under consideration for a specific program.
Things are looking up.
But I always still wonder if I have lived a lie. If when I have been asleep around every guy I have dated, has he had sex with me then?
I shouldn’t have to be asking that question.
I hope at the very least that you at least think about what happened that morning a lot. I hope it means you won’t ever do that again.
And I do feel guilty for not reporting you. I wonder if another girl is going to end up worse by your hands. But if we look at the state of how even violent and clear cut rapes are looked at in this county, its pretty obvious mine would laughed at openly. And I would be attacked and threatened and harassed more than you.