Pole. Panties. Pussy. An Expose.

How a hobby I started on a whim became my greatest survival tool.

“You ‘claim’ to be sexually assaulted, but you post pics of yourself in your underwear pole dancing. Pretty irresponsible of you.”

“You want to be an advocate for women yet you’re flaunting your underwear on a stripper pole, yeah great role model.”

“…How would a young girl see it, I was raped, now I’ll be a stripper, it just doesn’t look good.”

I don’t remember what sparked my interest in pole dancing. Maybe it was the sexy-ness of the women who did it. Maybe it was the strength. I really don’t know. I also really can’t tell you when I first wanted to try it. But I do know that in February 2015 I found a video called, Why I Dance, I sent it to my parents, signed up for my first class, and fell in love. If you are in Albuquerque go take a class at Southwest Pole Dancing with Brynlyn. You wont regret it. I never have. I poled on and off for a few months when I had money and a place available to set my pole up, but when I started law school the following August, I finally was able to set up my pole permanently.

I practiced every day I could using youtube tutorials and just following my body and quickly found myself able to invert and even started learning how to use the pole on spin mode. I started feeling really strong, was losing weight, gaining muscle, and finding a new confidence.

And then I was raped.

He had been a fwb for close to two months, and on the morning of October 31, I woke up to the brutal, startling realization that he was fingering me without consent. My body froze but my mind was running full speed. “Whats he doing? Oh my god he thinks i am asleep still. Why is he doing this when I am asleep. What will he do if I try to move away? Will he hurt me if I push him away?” Then I realized from the shift in the mattress and the feel of his body, that he was getting ready to replace his fingers with his penis. He was going to fuck me while still believing me to be asleep. “No. I dont want this. Id rather risk him killing me.Oh god what if he gets more violent. Ok. I am ready to risk it. Move.” I reached behind me and pushed his hip away. He tried to put his hand back, so I pushed him away again and said no.

“I know you are ready. I made you ready.” I had to push away one more time. He huffed angrily turned away and eventually fell back asleep. I got up, paced, cried. Then I leaned against my pole called out to him and woke him up and confronted him with what had just happened. He cried and asked me not to call the cops. He refused to leave until he had showered and spent a good hour trying to ask me not to call the cops and telling me he wouldn’t leave because he could see I was upset. When he finally did leave, the first therapist I called just told me I should have known better. At least know I would know better. Reddit.com’s sex forum told me to stop being such a prude and to get over it. Someone told me I was the reason real rape doesn’t get taken seriously.

I texted Ryan to ask him if he would have continued if I had not woken up and he texted back, “yeah”. A second therapist told me to bring Ryan in so he could hear both sides and he could help me process this “misunderstanding.”

My world shattered.

I stopped classes, and my bedroom door became nonexistent. My roommate had to go with me to get food. I only left my room to shower, get food, and go to the bar to drown out my issues not with drink, but by letting my friends tell me all of their problems and put me in the middle of their love tug of war. I tried dating and failed quickly. I threw myself into one night stands to prove I could have sex. And the rest of the time I spent in bed having panic attacks, binging on certain foods after not eating for three days, and then vomiting. It was a vicous cycle that lasted until the next March. I was having a mental break down. I had snapped.

But there was one thing that kept me eating, showering, and interacting with people.

My beautiful chrome pole. For two weeks after my rape I dared not touch it out of shame of the sultry. Then I got angry. Cleaned my whole room. Got naked. Turned on Hallelujah. And I danced.

I danced most days. It was literally my lifeline. Dressing up, putting on my lights, and dancing meant several minutes where I couldn’t think. I wasn’t a rape victim, I was a dancer… In those moments at least. Showing a few people my new moves was my only reason for interacting with people. At one point the pole broke, and the time before I got it replaced became my darkest time. I wouldn’t eat for several days and then I would eat, and throw it up. I was gaining weight and not leaving or showering for several days straight most weeks. I did manage to study a bit and barely pass my first semester just by going to my finals.

Finally in March, my dean called my parents, I got sent home, and started treatments.

Its been a little over a year and some months since I got sent home. I now live in Austin, and am going through another big rough patch because of some family stuff I can’t get into. But I was just yesterday, abandoned completely by one family member.

But, I have my pole. I dance every day and am researching certifications so that I can teach. I am prepping to compete within the next year and a half for the first time. I weigh 110lbs at 4'11 and hover at around 17–19% body fat. My new goal is to have a six pack by end of August, and I am on track to do that.

I no longer use therapy or drugs except on occasion some kava for my anxieties.

I no longer use makeup and no longer shave my armpits.

I no longer care how I look when I leave the house, I dress only for me.

Because pole dancing gave me something no human could have.

Pole dancing gave me confidence, it showed me my body could do incredible things, it keeps me challenging myself. And the stronger I get, the stronger I feel inside and out. My muscles and my body have become truly symbolic of my inner strength.

Pole dancing keeps all my mental illness symptoms at bay. I don’t have bad symptoms when I dance. And even on days where the diseases hit me harder, I am never as low as I was last year. I always find it in me to do a little dance, to eat some food, and to remember how far I have come both on the pole and in my health.

Pole dancing gave me confidence and the ability to have an incredible sex life too. Feeling strong while being sexy gave me this new sense of self. My modesty, and shyness flew out the window around the time I realized I could lift my body over my head using just my own strength. And because I have so much inner confidence, I feel less self conscious around other people and I feel immensely confident when in bed with men. I feel powerful and that power lets me just relax and enjoy sex. And when you can suddenly flex your kegels during sex, men tend to respond positively.

But really what this all boils down to is this. Pole dancing let me fall in love with my body and my journey with my body. I love my naked body every day. I get up and love looking at my whole body. My pussy included. I reconnected to my mind, my body, and my soul because you need all three when you dance and when you do such incredible feats of strength. I am not the best, and I don’t really care if I ever will be. But I will never stop learning, challenging myself, and falling in love with myself.

So, to the people critical of my dancing in my underwear I have only one thing to say;

My pole healed me after my rape, and keeps me strong, and before you judge me for it, and before you judge me for what I wear while I dance,

I challenge you to try to pole dance and to try to pole dance in clothes.

I am a pole dancer, I dance in my panties, and my panty pole dance is how I learned to love myself and my pussy.

And I will never allow others to make me feel bad about that.

My book that I wrote on the assault : https://www.amazon.com/Yes-No-Maybe-experiences-education/dp/1534840168/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1499899760&sr=8-4&keywords=yes+no+maybe

The vid that started my journey: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjzme2U6oTVAhWr6IMKHRvwCCsQyCkIJjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fvimeo.com%2F119494981&usg=AFQjCNEl4SvlHTg_r0FmHcEtRnEFbjSyWg

My youtube pole vids: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QptFmh35Zo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwrU7uoNZ14 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwrU7uoNZ14