Insecurities will ruin your friendships.

Recently, I was at a summer camp, where I was assigned to cook for the participants. On a regular day, I would consider myself a good cook, but this was different. It was my first time catering to many people at a time — I was tense. My main worry was that the food would go wrong, and everyone would go home with the thought, “Oluchi is a lousy cook.” As I ruminated on this before the event started, I knew my reputation was on the line.

I needed all the help I could gather, so I asked a friend for help. Little did I know what was in store for me. I cooked on the first day and got some appraisal and a bit of “you could have fried the vegetables more.” I was happy. However, when my friend cooked the next day, the entire camp was pleased. EVERYONE kept asking for more; the food was very good. Of course, I was happy, but those nagging thoughts would not leave, “her food is better than yours; everyone loves her food more; everyone loves her more.”

As someone who has struggled with insecurities, the voices were quite familiar, and I knew that the moment I allowed myself to drown in it, I would be in a pool of jealousy, envy, and bitterness. I knew these thoughts would translate to real emotions and those emotions would turn into actions, for as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Imagine hating on the person who sacrificed so much to help.

As I thought about this experience on my way back from camp, I could not help but think about the many friendships destroyed just because one party could not handle their insecurity.

When struggling with a particular insecurity, it is hard to feel real joy when others excel in that same thing, especially if you consider them your peers. If it were someone of higher status, their success could be a motivation, but those on the same level could breed negative emotions.

This led me to think about the concept of fake friends and toxic friendships, especially among girls. “Are many people (girls) caught up in their feelings of inadequacy, making them unable to maintain quality friendships?”

I’d cite another story from a few years ago when I strongly battled insecurities. I had a friend everyone expected would be close since we lived together and did everything together. I genuinely liked her, but she was exactly what I could never be. I considered her more beautiful, poised, and elegant. And no matter how hard I tried, it just would not work.

Getting closer to her did not stop this bitterness toward her. It was like I was in an invincible competition with her, and something as minor as her smile was a weapon. I felt the need to prove a point.

While the extent of my feelings could have been related to my temperament, I know that for genuine friendship to happen, both parties must have overcome the insecurities they find expressed in the other party.

Does that mean one cannot sincerely desire something good in a friend?

In my short journey, I realized that insecurities do not disappear when you acquire what you were insecure about. For example, if you feel insecure about your body shape, the moment you get what you think you want, you find something else that is wrong with you and feel insecure about it.

The first step to overcoming is being content with who you are and who God has made you to be. Finding joy and value in your present body shape, size, character, success or failure, etc.

Until you have come to a place of contentment, it would be hard to love any version of ourselves that we become (you can ask those who go for countless body surgeries).

To address the question, yes, you can desire something in a friend. However, until you become content in yourself, it might be difficult to believe that your desire for something in a friend is completely genuine, especially if it is something you are insecure about.

How did I overcome insecurity in my friendship?

At the summer camp, when those thoughts kept coming to my heart. I knew what to do; I had lived that way for much of my life.

The first thing I did was go to God to help my heart. I knew that my communion with God would be useless with such feelings in my heart, so it was wiser to ask Him to help me deal with them, and yes, He did. I received the strength and grace to listen to those who complimented my friend’s food with a good heart.

Did the thoughts leave? Oh no, but I knew I had the power to determine whether I dwelled on them or tossed them out. And yes, I tossed them out and enjoyed the food; it was really delicious.

I could continue to write more on this topic, but there is so much that it could be an entire book. But if there is one thought I want to leave with you, it is that, for you to have friendships where you genuinely love the other party, there is a need to overcome your insecurities.

Do not hesitate to ask if you want me to discuss this topic further or have questions. Maybe you have another topic you want me to address. You can comment or message me on Instagram @oluchi_nifemi.