Understanding Social Pain: The Power of Attachment

I have always been wary of attachments. I remember a conversation I had years ago with a friend when I told him that love was a source of weakness. I believed the attachment that comes with love was a major source of pain, especially during the bad times in that relationship, so it was better to run away from it. While I do not hold this point of view concerning love any more, one cannot deny that attachment is one of the powers that cause social pain.

If you read the previous article, you will see that I mentioned that these power divisions are based on my readings and experience. You would not find them in a sociological textbook.

So, let’s get to it!

What is Attachment?

In psychology, attachments are a big deal. In fact, there is a theory called the attachment theory that seeks to explain and understand how attachments are formed and their lasting impact. Psychologist John Bowlby defines attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” Depending on one’s upbringing, one could either develop a secure attachment or an attachment disorder.

Now, I will not go deep into explaining this theory, but it is necessary to note that, based on research, attachment is an emotional bond with another person, and rejection or exclusion from it could lead to social pain. I always like to call the human heart a sticky object in constant search of being attached to something. I believe that humans not only develop attachments to other humans but also to objects and their social status.

Now, let’s discuss how these attachments can cause social pain.

Attachment to Humans

This form of attachment is innate to us as humans. Under normal circumstances, children are attached to their parents even before they understand the meaning of love or loss. This is one of the powerful forms of attachment that causes social pain. When these attachments are taken away, it seems like a rip in your heart — the loss of a parent or a friend. I wrote the last time about the loss of a friend. The reason why I felt such a level of pain was due to the level of attachment I had. This was not the first time I had lost a friend. But for this one, it hit differently and hurt deeper because of our level of relationship.

Attachment to Social Status

Social status is simply the social value a person possesses. In simple words, it means “who you are” in society. Sometimes, we may deny this attachment, but it does exist. One social status I got so attached to was being considered a brilliant girl. Right from when I was in high school, I was that girl who used to play a lot but still had good grades. I did not know how much I was attached to that view of myself until the day I got a grade lower than usual; I cried. I was hurt and ashamed.

I should note that this social status might not be one we have now; it could also be one we aspire to be. Why do you think a future doctor might cry after failing his MBBS qualification exams? That doctor is not attached to the exam, but he knows that the exam is a gateway towards his aspiration to become a doctor. This is the real reason for his pain.

Attachment to Objects

I consider this as the most trivial form of attachment. However, for others, it may not be so. Objects range from phones, cars, houses, and food; the list is endless. I could also place animals under this category. Last February, I lost my baby (my laptop). She stopped charging suddenly, and the repairer called a very outlandish amount of money to repair it. When I say it was a difficult moment for me.. believe me. I was attached to her, especially for the purpose she served in my life. However, based on experience, the pain experienced from losing objects does not tend to last as long as others.

The Ripple Effect of Social Pain

Social pain has the ability to cause a ripple effect, and as long as the effects are still seen/felt, this pain could remain. Recently, a friend was speaking to me about the pain of the loss of a particular relationship. The loss led to so many things that she could still see until now. This way, the effects made the social pain she felt continually fresh.

This is why I always emphasize that healing is necessary when pain occurs. The more pain exists, the more you are subject to its effects. The sad thing about it is that the impact of this pain cause could account for a longer-term consequence, which then reminds you of the pain.

Let me cite another example which might be more relatable. I recently “failed” a particular course at school. This course was supposed to be a gateway to an internship program (this shows my attachment to the aspired status of being a researcher) in which I wanted to participate. I was so pained that I did not want to do anything with my day; I lay on my bed useless. If I had continued in this pain, I was sure that I would have lost my job because I sincerely did not have any desire to work. Then, the loss of my job would continually remind me of my examination failure. And the cycle of pain continues.

Whenever I discuss attachments, the main question is whether they are avoidable. Can one live without attachments? Is it wrong to have attachments? Anytime these questions come to mind, I am reminded of Jesus’ words in the Gospel of Luke.

“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26

This article would become too long if I started explaining my answers to whether attachments are impossible. However, one thing I am sure of is that God does not want us to live so attached to humans, objects, or ourselves because of how fragile and untrustworthy these things can be. This does not mean we would become emotionless humans without caring for others; even the scriptures instruct us to mourn with those who mourn. However, the power of attachment lies in the depth and purpose of interconnection. How deeply invested are you in that relationship (or job or status) that if it perishes, you could also wish to perish with it?

I must end by saying that there will always be loss of human life, objects could be lost, and we might not always be the persons we aspire to become. Therefore, we must not allow the loss of things to navigate our lives. Instead, we are called to rise above every pain.

I will end this article on social pain here. There is still so much to write; I will do it later, especially as I link them to other theories. But if there is one thing I want to leave with you, it is that though social pain may seem natural, we are not supposed to live in it. Yes, rejection and exclusion may hurt, but we must work our minds not to focus on them when they are not there; we must ensure that our hearts are not attached to that which is fragile.

May the LORD grant you the strength to bear any social pain you face.