Forrest & Jenny are not a love story, its pathetic settling
Tv & Movies lied to you: You are not in love with her but the fictional idea of her created in your head
How the Halo effect wastes the lives of young men
Dear Nephew,
I want to tell you a little story about a guy named Jack and his crush.
Jack 31 was chatting with his long term friend/crush way, teasing her again as he had done for years it was kind of my thing to make her smile, then she responded.
“my dear you’ve always been in the friend zone”.
This was like an anvil from the sky, saying PSYCHE! Now he knew how Wild E Coyote felt.
The weird thing? It wasn’t new information. He had always known this, but it was the cavalier way it was said.
Felt dismissive as if to say, You weak, pathetic fool, you’ve never had a chance while he had spent the last decade talking to and treating her like a Queen.
Ok a little backstory. Rewind.
Her name was Amy.
Jack still remembered the first time seeing her in his Freshman year in College.
He was on the balcony writing poetry when he spotted her, wearing all black gown, accentuating her hourglass figure, it was hard to miss her.
He was struck by what Mario Puzo in The Godfather called, Thunderbolt.
They later became friends.
But something held him back.
They had different moral values in regards to a lot of things, things which he kept away from with a 100 ft pole and round the clock sniper team on the watchtower.
So despite the intensity of his attraction, Jack knew romance was never to be.
Even at 20, he wasn’t interested in dating for dating sake if there was never the possibility of something long term based on shared value and common goals.
They weren’t equally Yoked.
So he “friend-zoned” her in his rational and logical mind but his emotions were still were on a gravitational pull.
Infatuation is one hell of a drug.
His attraction, ie the narrative he weaved in his head, never went away after graduation, He’d see her and be smitten(self-hypnosis).
At a point Amy confessed to liking Jack back in school but as she had dated two of his friends she didn’t want to go for a third.
Ok back to the present.
So this particular day, He’s teasing her again as he had always done and she said it and she threw it out there.
It was like a sucker punch by Iron Mike in his prime.
Had her confession years earlier been a lie? Did she ever feel that way or was it just the heat of the conversation?
WHY HAD HE WASTED ALL THESE YEARS?
Now, Jack realised this wasn’t necessarily a reflection on Amy but his choice to spend his time that way.
(take ownership of your bad choices and time investments, that’s the only way to avoid more in the future)
Forensically sifting through the ashes, It hit him like a tonne of bricks, He was more in love with the image and idea, an Avatar of Amy he had created in his head, than the real person.
The Halo effect on overdrive,
Jack realized he had placed her(her Avatar) on a pedestal no human should be placed and when you place anyone on a pedestal, the only way they can look at you is down. Think of how a Celebrity will relate with a fan who is asking for a romantic relationship.
She knew this because on several situations she would say to him after he'd randomly send a gushing complimentary text
“you think too highly of me”, “I’m not the person you think I am”.
Similar to what Clementine would say to Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind(Dir. Michel Gondry — 2004),
Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a f****d up girl who’s lookin’ for my own peace of mind; don’t assign me yours.
The narrative in Jack’s head, the idealization Avatar Amy, the “perfect woman”; a gorgeous face, hourglass body, sexy voice, great personality, sense of humour.
She was everything a man could want in a woman.
Real Amy wasn’t that woman, she was a human with her own issues he couldn’t possible handle, she could not match with the Avatar in multiple lifetimes.
Avatar Amy wasn’t real and Jack was more attracted to the Avatar he created in his head.
Are you a Jack? Whose Avatar are you fixated on?
Has the Halo Effect hypnotised you into moulding a Pinocchio of someone you hope to be real one day?
People enter relationships with certain expectations(not just romantic, platonic and business)
Expectations of that person and what they would do for them, make them feel. Money, sex, security, adventure, whatever it may be. An ideal which doesn’t match reality.
They end up disappointed, angry, feeling betrayed and frustrated. One day they wake up and realise their situation and are devastated.
Idealising (Idolising) a person is unfair, to them and dangerous to yourself.
It sets you up for failed expectations and if they aren’t the manipulative type to take advantage of your naive delusions, it’s a role they can never achieve even when the feelings are mutual.
“ Idealization is a psychological or mental process of attributing overly positive qualities to another person or thing. … It’s common with a borderline personality disorder for a person to idealize a friend, family member, or loved one. They feel intense closeness towards that person and place them on a pedestal”
It’s not only in romantic relationships or pursuits.
We idealize celebrities, public figures, social media influencers, spiritual leaders, business titans, put them on a pedestal and are devastated when that person has a public blowout, a sex scandal, is revealed to be a deadbeat parent, a thief, abuser etc
No human is meant to be placed on a pedestal, regardless of what Rom Coms and R&B songs tell you about the person you desire to be with or magazines and E! prime you to worship gorgeous and rich celebrities, or Forbes magazine to CEOs, startup Founder.
Certainly not Pastors, regardless of their “anointing” which in some cases is charisma and communication skills like Jim Jones and David Koresh.
NEVER PUT ANYBODY ON A PEDESTAL
Make wise choices kiddo.
Till next time
Your Uncle
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