Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Wear these at the risk of a panicked beatdown

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Photo: Flashpop/Getty Images

5. Hurricane anything

Midwesterners don’t like twisters. Californians fear fires and earthquakes. Latinx people, many of whom hail from coastal countries and states, get nervous at the thought of big incoming storms. Bonus terror points if the eye of the hurricane is mal de ojo.

4. Chancla-wielding mamá

Nothing takes Latinx folks back to their childhood frights faster than seeing Mom carrying around a flip-flop, preparing to whack the shit out of someone.

3. David S. Pumpkins

No knock on Tom Hanks, but this beloved SNL character is so infused with a White absurdist sense of humor that Latinx folks who grew up on the over-the-top surrealism of characters like El Chapulín Colorado fear they’re missing the joke. Is there more to this character we’re not getting? He’s not dressed like a grasshopper, he just wears a suit and dances? …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

You already survived lockdown with your young’uns — embrace the terror!

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Photo illustration; Image source: Universal History Archive/NBC/Getty Images

5. Throwback scary movie binge watch

It’s time to introduce your children to the Halloween garbage you grew up on: nonclassics like Leprechaun, Critters, Ghoulies, and Troll. Are these movies good? Not at all. But your kids made you sit through 500 viewings of Frozen, so it’s time for some payback.

4. Making coronavirus jack-o’-lanterns

Curbside-order some gray or white pumpkins. Set aside family time to poke fuzzy pipe cleaners through the gourd and glue on pieces of candy corn to represent the virus. Set that thing on the porch for a Halloween decoration that’s scarier than any skeleton or witch.

3. A horrifying neighborhood drive

What starts as a drive through the neighborhoods where families have splurged for the most elaborate Halloween lawn decorations takes a detour through the economically ravaged business districts that are still unable to reopen or have gone out of business due to a lack of government help. …


JUST RANKIN’ SH!T

Life is way too short to be drinking Bud Light

Pouring Modelo beer on tap in a pint glass
Pouring Modelo beer on tap in a pint glass
Photo illustration, source: Kris Connor/Stringer/Getty

7. Sol

For the adventurous drinker, Sol Chelada beer is much better than its generic and forgettable original, which is more like the beer you buy on discount to bring to a party you don’t really want to attend at the home of a person you despise. Hey, at least Covid-19 means you don’t have to do that anymore!

6. Corona Extra

The entry-level south of the border beer. Fine if there’s nothing better available, but if it’s not ice-cold or served with a lime, it’s not much better than any weak American beer — like Mexican Schlitz.

5. Dos Equis

Another victim of citrus-reliance. Great to drink on tap, dressed with lime, at a bar. Awful to drink out of a can, at home, with no limes or friends. Feels even lonelier since they shitcanned The Most Interesting Man in the World. …

About

Omar L. Gallaga

Former Austin Statesman tech culture writer and podcaster, now freelancing in Texas. Bylines: Washington Post, WSJ, CNN, NPR. Here for all your wordy needs.

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