Fetal Attractions: The Top 3 Places You MUST VISIT Before You’re Born

How many have you been to? All three? Same.

Fallopian Tubes

Is a trip down these tubular avenues worth it? O, vary! This once-in-a-lifetime journey can take up to a week, but there’s a reason your friends all egged you on to try it* Both scenic and productive, a tumble through these fertile landscapes has been known to exceed every first-timer’s preconceived notions* Spots cell out quickly, but if you manage to get the ball rolling, you’ll see that the transformative experience merits a standing ov(ul)ation*

*Missing periods intentional.


It’s easy to get attached to this cozy, shape-shifting wonder. Ideal for longer travel, the Uterus is the birthplace of some of the world’s most legendary local attractions (known for their award-winning customer cervix). If you’re looking for a safe and comfortable place to snooze, we recommend the five-star Amniotic Sac, which is flooded with amenities.* Craving something nutritious, but can’t make a decision on what to order? Head to The Umbilical Cord’s dining womb for a diverse menu curated by renowned chef, P. Lacenta.

*Wi-Fi not included.

Birth Canal

Known as the “Venice of the Vagina,” this pliable and intimate canal definitely delivers. Just go with the flow and you’ll* immediately feel like you’ve* been transported to another world. The locals are known for being a bit pushy, but continue heading south and it’ll* feel like quite the crowning achievement. Plus, the fresh air is so surprisingly pleasant, it could make you somewhat emotional (but don’t* be a total crybaby about it). Best time to visit: Labor Day.

*Contractions, obviously.