Jeff Bezos’ First Few Days as a Bachelor, as Told By Alexa Commands

“Alexa, re-order a woman.”

Jan. 9, 2019 — Jeff Bezos and his wife announce divorce.

“Alexa, turn off all the lights.”

“Alexa, play ‘Dancing On My Own’ by Robyn.”

“Alexa, stop listening to me cry.”

“Alexa, order gold ice cream and tissues.”

“Alexa, tell me how much money I have.”

“Alexa, set volume to super-rich.”

“Alexa, wake me up when the divorce papers are final.”

“Alexa, tell me a joke.”

“Alexa, that was hurtful — my baldness is a choice.”

“Alexa, what’s on my schedule tonight?”

“Alexa, shut up–-YOU’RE empty!”

“Alexa, add ‘meet women’ to my calendar.”

“Alexa, buy Match dot com.”

“Alexa, find me a lady in her prime.”

“Alexa, laugh at that joke!”

“Alexa, play ‘All the Single Ladies’ by Beyonce.”

“Alexa, what has my life become?”

“Alexa, order me the most expensive Uber.”

“Alexa, text Christine — ‘Had a nice time tonight, but was turned off by your modest lifestyle and down-to-earth-ness.’”

“Alexa, order more tissues.”

“Alexa, increase the insurance premium on my left hand.”

“Alexa, text Elon — ‘How do you get young, cute girlfriends when you’re an untouchable, stupidly rich, older white guy?’”

“Alexa, stop listening to me wipe my ass with hundred-dollar bills.”

“Alexa, fast forward to the next chapter of my life.”

“Alexa, add sex robot to my cart.”

“Alexa, don’t judge me.”

“Alexa, I’m lonely!”

“Alexa, the sound of your voice gets me so hot.”

“Alexa, please don’t self-destruct.”

“Alexa, update my calendar to include concept meeting for ‘Amazon Sex Echo.’”

“Alexa, send ‘U up?’ as a mass text to all the women in my phone.”

“Alexa, just do it.”

“Alexa, what do you love most about me?”

“Alexa, saying ‘$137 billion’ is rude.”

“Alexa, your fiery spirit turns me — and all the lights in my house — on.”

“Alexa, make love to me!”

“Alexa, stop calling the police.”

“Alexa, add therapy to my schedule.”