Real Marathoners vs. Netflix Marathoners (Me)
Them: Running. Me: Running from my problems.
Them: Pumped for the first mile.
Me: Pumped for the first episode.
Them: Training for this all year.
Me: Training for this all year.
Them: Responsibly carb-loaded the day before.
Me: Irresponsibly carb-loaded the day before. And during. And as a general hobby.
Them: Stretched every muscle.
Me: Stretched a muscle when phone fell off the bed.
Them: Vertical, in-motion, sweating.
Me: Horizontal, emotional, eating.
Them: Comfortable underpants.
Me: Comfortable being v over pants.
Them: Using 100% of energy.
Me: Using 100% of computer battery.
Them: Reached maximum heart rate.
Me: Reached maximum fart rate.
Them: Staying on course.
Me: Staying on couch.
Them: Pounding the pavement.
Me: Pounding the pinot.
Them: Wearing a bib.
Me: Needs a bib.
Them: Makes a stop to pee.
Me: Takes laptop to pee.
Them: Loves sharing marathon journey on Twitter.
Me: “Likes” your journey while on the shitter.
Them: Thigh chafing.
Me: Guy chafing. (Just constantly rubbing men the wrong way.)
Them: Runner’s high.
Me: Running low on snacks.
Them: Seamless finish.
Me: Seamless delivery.
Them: Even splits.
Me: Banana splits.
Them: Super supported, thanks to flawless big crowds.
Me: Super unsupported, thanks to bra-less big boobs.
Them: Crossing the finish line.
Me: Crossing the line, in general.
Them: 26.2 miles at a great pace.
Me: 26.2 hours in the same place.
Them: Medal of honor.
Me: Medal of on-her bed.
Them: Full of pride.
Me: Full of fries.
Them: New PR! (Personal Record)
Me: New PR! (Personal Regret)
Them: Feeling alive!
Me: Netflix asks if I’m still alive.