The Elf on the Shelf Reminisces About the Women He Dated This Year

Naughty little elf.

No elf-control.

THE HOTTIE ON THE POTTY

She was gorgeous as hell,
To most things, she said “yes.”
But we couldn’t go out much,
’Cause she had I.B.S.

THE SQUARE ON THE CHAIR

She was no fun at all,
Just loved to sit and sit.
It may seem hypocritical,
But I’ve got no time for that shit.

THE HAG ON THE RAG

She was rough around the edges,
And always in a mood.
“That time of the month”?
Too long for this dude.

THE GRANNY ON ‘THE NANNY’

A legendary TV star,
Ann Morgan Guilbert was no joke.
During her geriatric lovemaking,
My shelf nearly broke.

THE TEASE ON THE SKIS

Babe of the mountain,
Never without a frown.
But she loved going up,
More than she did going down.

THE THOT ON THE YACHT

We met on a posh boat,
And immediately sealed the deal.
I wanted to take it slow,
But her thirst was much too real.

THE WENCH ON THE BENCH

A tough court judge she was,
The best around the globe.
But she ruled to never let me
Get all up in that robe.

THE DOLLFACE ON THE MYSPACE

Charmed by her glitter GIFs,
Her profile pics were great.
But I changed my mood to sad,
When I didn’t make Top 8.

THE CLOWN ON THE TOWN

Children’s party entertainer,
Loved adult parties, too.
But it didn’t last that long,
Balloon animals were all she blew.

THE GROUCH ON THE COUCH

She loved to binge TV,
Was wrapped up in The Wire.
Mid-episode I tried to speak,
She threw me in the fire.

THE TROLL ON THE POLE

A gem in her belly button,
Wild hair flying free.
From stripper to my lover,
My very first S.T.D.

THE NUN ON THE RUN

An escapee from the convent,
Your freaky kind of sister.
After breaking up with God,
She said, “You’re my rebound, mister.”

THE CRONE ON THE PHONE

We matched on an app,
She immediately sent a sext.
But when I met her in real life,
Wow — thank you, next.

KAREN

There was nothing she was on,
Totally off the grid.
A solid, lifetime lover,
Until she gave me to her kid.

THE BAE ON THE SLEIGH

His magic and his laugh,
There’s no one like Saint Nick.
So jolly and so sexy,
Holy Christmas, do I like dick?