The Official List of Activities for the 2017 White House Easter Egg Roll

This year’s Easter Egg Roll will take place at the Winter White House, Mar-a-Lago! Non-members are not actually allowed on the lawn or anywhere near the main property, so participating families should please meet in the back of the estate near the employee service entrance. It’s going to be a terrific day!

The Hunt

This year, instead of Easter eggs, kids will hunt for President Trump’s used golf balls! Any child who finds a golden golf ball can choose between a full scholarship to Trump University or an open cabinet position.

140-Character Zone

At 8AM, children will have free reign of the president’s Twitter account! Like any other day, there are no rules. Anything goes. At 8:30AM, Kellyanne will slap the phone out of your hand.

Spicer Storytime

Sean Spicer will tell a fantastic story about the administration having everything under control. Questions may only be asked by children with conservative parents. Please do not correct Spicer’s mispronunciations or overreact to Holocaust references.

Rock ’n’ Egg Roll Stage

Enjoy a special performance by the band from the 1–877-Kars-4-Kids commercial. Plus, rock out all day to unbiased coverage from Fox News!

Republican Obstacle Course

Make your way through a variety of fun drills! Climb over qualified democrats, dodge tough questions, jump through hoops for sexual predators, roll over on healthcare reform and more! For liability reasons, children on Obamacare cannot participate.

Marshmallow Wall

The fun is never-ending! Kids and adults can tap into their creative side and build their own mini version of the border wall — using only Peeps! If you are Mexican, this activity will cost $10.

Egg Roll Troll Patrol

Join the First Lady in anti-bullying efforts! Help Melania locate and remove anyone being a shitty little asshole. (Presidents excluded.)

MAGicAl Hat Decorating Station

Boys and girls will have a blast decorating these fun, festive, red trucker hats! Please note: No decorating materials will be provided and hats should remain in their original condition.

Spring Fashion Fun

In an effort to bring jobs back to America, Egg Roll participants can help manufacture and sew pieces from Ivanka’s new Spring collection! Only children with small and nimble fingers will be considered for this event.

Chocolate Bunny Eating Contest

With Michelle Obama gone, kids are free to stuff their fat faces with all kinds of delicious treats! (This year, we only have white chocolate.)

Face “Painting” Booth

This is actually just a chance to give Steve Bannon a facial. Please, scrub off as many layers as you can. Everyone’s a winner.

Drain the Swamp Challenge

Due to staffing cuts around the property, this is a unique opportunity for Egg Roll attendees to grab a skimmer and help clean out the Mar-a-Lago main pool! Thank you in advance.

Hide-and-Go-Seek Game

The president has hidden his tax returns! The first kid to find them will be DESTROYED. No exceptions.

Meet the Easter Bunny

Fake news. The Easter bunny will not be in attendance this year. (He voted for Hillary.)