Valentine’s Day Haikus For All the Men in My Life

Me, as a stock image, alone with a balloon (Photo by Rakicevic Nenad)

My Local Wine Store’s Delivery Man

You deliver wine

To my door and to my mouth

Grapeful for your speed

My Uber Driver

You’re my ride or die

Here’s five stars for not talking

Let’s ride not die tho

The Guy Who Sells Fruit at My Corner Fruit Stand

You work rain or shine

And I like what you produce

That shit’s bananas

My Four Doormen

Thanks for not judging

Who or what I may bring home

I a-door you, obvs

All the Dudes on Tinder I’ve Matched With and Never Spoken to

Glad we both swiped right

Can’t believe you won’t say hi

That’s okay …….. (pussy)

A Missed Connection on the 6 Train

You: Ignoring me

Me: Ignoring you too, duh

New York, this is us

The Masseuse at My Favorite Sketchy Groupon Spa

Men tend to rub me

The wrong way. But not you. YOU

Rub me the right way

The Front Desk Guy at My Office

You praised my nice hair

I joked, “would you like a strand?”

No more compliments :(

Armie Hammer

Not in the army

But I’m certain I would like

The Armie in me

The Guy in My Building Who Always Seems to Be Coming Back From the Gym

Wow, you look tired

And strong. And thirsty. Are you?

I am. Let’s get drinks

The Homeless Guy on My Block

You’re always shouting

How much you hate everyone

Yo, I feel you bro

The UPS Guy Who Brings All My Amazon Prime Boxes

You def deliver

Does anyone ever ask

About your package?

The Ghost in My Apartment

I know you’re a dude

Like, hello, you’re ghosting me

‘Boo, bye!’ — Beyoncé

The Cute Guy at Work I Always Happen to Ride the Elevator With

Going up? Me too!

Going down? Wow, so forward

That fart? Wasn’t me

Barack Obama

I’d pay good money

To have you back, baby, but

I have no money