Where Melania Might Be Based Entirely on Rhyming Variations of Her ‘Be Best’ Campaign

Ideas as logical as that campaign’s grammar.


Be Blessed (found Jesus and just talks to him and only him all day)

Be Breast (had surgery to remove her 2 breasts to turn off the 1 large boob in her way)

Be Crest (left a WhiteStrip® on so long that her teeth fell out and joined the tiki-torch Nazis)

Be Fest (at a desert music festival, in a flower crown, on molly)

Be Guest (staying with the Obamas, hoping they can make her do that smiling thing she did at Bush’s funeral)

Be Jest (straight-up fucking with us for her own amusement) (or just making her way through David Foster Wallace’s 1,079 pages)

Be Nest (decorating the new home she purchased in Slovenia)

Be Pest (put fire ants in liar-liar Don’s pants and now she’s in time out)

Be Rest (be best guess)

Be Stressed (sought out a wellness/meditation retreat but ended up joining a Rajneeshpuram situation)

Be Test (requested to retake her U.S. Citizenship test & purposely failed it)

Be Vest (the part of the contract that gives her whatever money he has left has fully vested so #shegone)

Be West (just working on her album like Kanye)

Be Zest® (forever trying to wash years of Trump off of her with the classic soap brand)