How to Become a No-Yelling Family?
Yelling is useful only when you are warning someone of danger, or you are calling for help.
Yelling as a form of communication is detrimental. Especially when children are involved.
Why? you may ask. Why is yelling such a big deal?
Let me count some of the negative effects of yelling at children.
Yelling makes children’s behavior problems get worse.
Yelling changes the way their brain develops …
Yelling can lead to depression …
Yelling has effects on physical health …
Yelling can cause chronic pain…
Doesn’t it make sense to eliminate yelling from our families?
That is a rhetorical question. We all know the answer is yes.
So, let’s move to the next crucial question?
What can a parent do to eliminate yelling altogether?
First, commit to breaking the yelling cycle. Next, get some training. There are many parenting workshops online where you can learn tips and clues to better and peaceful communication.
I will share some tips and techniques I learned in a workshop (28 days no yelling challenge by Marko Juhant). You can try them out.
- Quiet speech technique
Simply walk up to them and give your instruction in the quietest possible tone.
You see, if you’ve been yelling at your kids more than you’d like… That’s the form of communication they expect.
When you do the complete opposite, like approach them and whisper in their ear, that will be unexpected for them — which is why they’ll instantly start paying attention.
2. Shoulder Tap
When you attempt to get the attention from your kids, walk up to them and gently tap on their shoulder.
Touching them to gently let them know you require their attention is not only more effective than trying to yell (especially if they’re wearing headphones) …
The touch should be gentle. And you should approach the child from the front and not from the back as it may scare the child.
3. Establish a no yelling policy
If the child is upstairs and instead of yelling “Dinner is ready!!” and the child yelling back “I am not hungry.” Go upstairs and ask him in normal tone.
Expect the same from your children. “When mom or dad are far and can’t hear you, don’t yell. Just come closer and talk in normal tones. We have a no yelling policy in this family.”
4. Do not repeat the instructions.
It drains your patience, and it invites yelling. Use a 3-step plan instead. It goes like this:
- STEP 1: Give a Clear Instruction, not vague instructions that are open to interpretation.
Vague: “Come to the dining room. Breakfast will be ready soon!”
Clear: “Please come to the dining room for breakfast in 15 minutes.”
- STEP 2: Explain Logical Consequences (if they ignore your instruction)
Clear Instruction: “Breakfast is ready. Please come and eat within the next 5 minutes so we’re not late for school.”
Logical Consequence: Natural Consequences (in this case, set a kitchen or phone timer for 5 minutes and explain the Logical Consequences to them when the alarm goes off): “If you don’t want to eat your breakfast, that’s fine. But I won’t pack it for you. You either come to eat breakfast or stay hungry until lunch. Your choice.
Stick with what you say to your child. Kids hate inconsistency and like predictability.
- STEP 3: Take Immediate Action (if they ignore the consequences)
The last step is simple. Though not easy in the beginning.
No nagging, no repeating yourself, no pleading. Just act. He didn’t come for breakfast; you remove the breakfast items from the table.
Your child might resist and object to it in the first couple of times. Be patient and remain calm.
And most importantly …. not matter what do not yell.
I hope you will find these steps helpful.
