Which New Year’s Resolution Have You Already Sacked Off, According To Your Terrible Star Sign.

Aries

Get less dick.

Taurus

Squats.

Gemini

Put your best nine of 2017 into a definitive ranking order and leave it there, we don’t need to keep talking about this.

Cancer

Accept that Lorna from middle school will never fully accept what a conceited [Resolution 2: Stop using that word] she was and she’s happily married with a yoghurt blog now so there’s no point in still thinking about it.

Leo

Give up always needing to be in charge. Ha! But — by renouncing this, that’s technically also giving up on needing to be in charge, so take that 2018, ya bellend.

Virgo

Change your ironing standards mantra to “at peace with the crease”.

Gym Day 2.

Libra

Footnotes*

*Are not**

*A clever substitute***

***For****

****Actual*****

*****Jokes.

Scorpio

Forgiveness.

Sagittarius

Dedicate yourself to protecting the amulet.

Capricorn

Stop attributing all your personal shortcomings to astrology.

Aquarius

Only laminate when strictly necessary. This includes relatives and pets.

Pisces

Stop ending every sentence on an ellipsis, question mark …?

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Picture: 19th Century Zodiac Man, Persia

Who is presumably still squatting, despite spending 200 years holding a mouthful of ram.

That’s commitment, folks.